I’ve mentioned before that I’ve a *ahem* problem with Victoria’s Secret, to the point where I can’t even part with their bags. Luckily, I don’t like shopping and despise having to deal with large, roaming packs of humans, so I’m very unlikely to go into a mall where they are located. Unfortunately there are times that I cannot avoid the wretched mall. Like when I have to get false eyelash glue.
As soon as I walked into the mall, I felt a strange, almost other-wordly force pulling me into the Victoria’s Secret, and though it was in the opposite direction of my original destination, I found myself walking through their doors, dragging my confused mother behind me. A saleswoman immediately appeared and handed me a shopping bag.
“Hello, Kat.” She smiled.
The fact that she knew my name should have been the tipoff that I was in very big fucking trouble, but I was too mesmerized by all of the lacy, pretty things surrounding me.
“Yes. Yes, I’ve been away, but now I’m back,” I mumbled.
“It’s good to see you, Kat. What will it be today?”
“Hair of the bra that bit me.”
“Demi with no padding. Of course.” Her eyes glowed as she gestured to a display in the center of the store.
“That’ll do ‘er,” I said shoving a woman with a baby carriage aside and vaulting over the makeup counter.
One way that I’ve been able to control my Victoria Secret spending is because I only really fancy the one style of bra, and they were running out of colours that I didn’t own for which I’m mildly ashamed but not really.
As I perused the drawer with my size, I saw one bra that was black under white lace that I loved, but given that I already had a white one under black lace at home, I was able to put it down. I was about to make it out of Vicky’s without getting another bra! And then the saleswoman appeared in front of me.
“What about that one over there?” she asked pointing to the other side of the store.
I glanced over to the corner and amidst some PJs was an ice blue bra under silvery-white lace.
This was a problem. I did not have an ice blue bra. I have antique blue, but that’s a completely different similar blue, and besides mine is antique blue under antique blue lace, not under silvery-white lace! I could only pray that they wouldn’t have it in my weird size.
The saleswoman reached into the rack and pulled out the correct size, and then handed me the piece of Kat-Kryptonite.
“How did you know what size I wear?” I asked her.
“I should know, Kat, I’ve always been here. Just as you have always been the caretaker…of these bras,” she replied.
I looked to my mother for help, but the saleswoman was obviously working her evil mind meddling on her because she just nodded her head with a glazed look in her hazel eyes.
“I think we have the bottoms, too. Do you want to see them?” the saleswoman continued.
“No!” I screamed out loud. ‘Yes!’ I screamed in my head.
“Oh,” the saleswoman said sadly, “we only have one pair, and it’s too big for you.”
The bottoms were not too big for me, in fact they were my size, but using her telepathic power, the saleswoman knew that I feel that my ass is too big and that this last bit of flattery would be the thing to send me over to the edge.
“Give them to me!” I demanded. “Give me the Precious!”
“We also have the matching gar-” she started.
I stuck my fingers in my ears and began humming The Macarena, but then I heard the woman’s voice finish in my head, ‘-ter, you know.‘
“Red rum!” my mother suddenly yelled.
“You are so right, Mumma! We need to get out of here right now! I mean, like, right after I pay for the Precious!” I turned to the saleswoman. “So how’s my credit in this joint, anyway?”
“Your credit is fine, Kat,” the woman said smiling.
“That’s swell. I always liked you,” I told the woman as she took me to a register and checked me out.
“Come and see us again soon, Kat,” she told me as my mother and I began our escape. “Come and see us and stay forever…and ever…and ever.”
“I am never going in that store again!” I declared once Mumma and I were safely in the car.
But I know that I will.
The semi-annual sale is only a few months away.
**Today’s zombie survival tip is to not go to the mall à la Romero’s Dawn of The Dead. As you can see the place is already corrupt.