I have a friend who really wants to get married. She happily informed me on Sunday that she found out that the average age for a woman to get married is 29, so “she’s not too far behind the 8 ball”. I then had one of those moments where a thought pops into my head and it tumbles out of my mouth without permission because I pointed out to her that the number is probably so high because it’s based on the age of all brides and, since half of all marriages fail, that would include a lot of second marriages.
She didn’t speak to me for the rest of the luncheon.
As some of you may know, I was married once. And for those of you who just found out now, I’ll wait while you pick yourself up off of the floor since I agree that is shocking to consider me in such a role. Anyway, it was quite literally a lifetime ago, and unlike a lot of women I don’t care if I’m ever in a relationship again. That’s not to say that I’m actively opposed to the idea, but rather indifferent. I have however been told that I’m subconsciously avoiding a “real” relationship based on the fact that the guys that I’ve dated since my liberation have been younger than I am. Say what? Yup, apparently dating younger men is an avoidance tactic.
Actually I can tell you exactly why it just so happens that all of my suitors have been younger than I am, and that’s because most guys my age or older are already incarcerated married. And the ones who are not, well, there is usually a reason why they are not already married… like that they live with their parents and/or don’t have their shit together*.
And all of that aside, what the hell is wrong with a woman dating someone younger than herself anyway?
But I digress because I have recently found out the true reason why I cannot see myself ever having a relationship, and this is thanks to my recent re-pimping of past posts.
When I first posted Probably (One of) The Wrongest Stories I Will Ever Tell You the general consensus was that it was indeed a very wrong story. I have, however, been receiving a few messages and emails from women asking how this story is wrong. At first I thought that they were being facetious, but image my surprise when I discovered that a handful (HAHA!) of these women were serious. One woman told me, “I think that everyone has done this and they just won’t admit it.”
I replied with, “I have not. But then I don’t date much.”
Her response was, “Seriously. You might want to think about it. When you find the right guy you’ll want to give it a try.”
And there you have it, peeps. This is why I will never be in a relationship. It’s because I can honestly say that I will never ever find someone with whom I am be so enamored that I will want to try holding his tally-whacker while he pees.
Consider No. 22 on my List of Shameless Shit, “Set a Boundary” done because I’ve just decided that the doorway to the bathroom is a sacred boundary that will not be crossed.