Have a Social Distance Christmas

For no good reason at all I wrote this little ditty “Have a Social Distance Christmas”.


Much like my COVID19 holiday card suggestions, I’m trying to use humor to get me through this social distance Christmas. The phrase “social distance Christmas” lit up my brain so much that I ended up muttering it to the tune of Burl Ives’ “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas”, and then I just couldn’t be stopped. I ended up bastardizing the entire song into a cautionary tale about staying away from your loved ones this Christmas, and am presenting it to you all. Yay for new Christmas carols!

(The radio plays “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas” a bajillion times between November and New Year’s, but in case you’re not familiar, here is the song, including the original lyrics.)

Have a social distance Christmas
And did I say fuck this year?
2-0-2-0, boy did you blow
And you can kiss my rear

Have a social distance Christmas
And when you walk down the street
Say hello? Oh hell no
I don’t care there’s six feet

No, no, no mistletoe
Do you want to get COVID19?
How far does that swab go?
Oh just wait you’ll see

Have a social distance Christmas
And in case you didn’t hear
Oh by golly, you just better keep your distance
This year

(Have a social distance Christmas
A middle finger to this year…)

Have a social distance Christmas
Just stay off my street
Say hello? You’ll catch an elbow
No hands but you’ll get beat

Oh, no, you just gotta go
It’s your face I don’t wanna see
“Somebody waits for you”
Nope. They’re not seeing me

Have a social distance Christmas
And in case I wasn’t clear,
Oh by golly I just better not see your ass
This year!

Now that you’ve finished it, I’d just like to say I’m not sorry.

What to Write in a Holiday Card for this Shitty Year

I’ve mentioned in the past that I like a lot of weird, somewhat antiquated Christmas traditions, and one of them is exchanging Christmas cards. When I was a wee Kat my mother would take me to Hallmark where we would spend many hours poring through the racks to find the perfect holiday cards to buy for every single frigging member of my family. In turn I would receive a Christmas card from nearly every single frigging member of my family, so this was quite a production. This lunacy ended when I was about eight, and though I didn’t fully revive the tradition as an adult, I do enjoy getting a box of cards and giving them to everyone except every single frigging member of my immediate family because they got enough. Usually I just sign the card with something like “Hope you have a Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year”, but I had no idea what to write in a holiday card for this shitty year. It sounds trite to wish someone a “Merry Christmas” when the impact of COVID19 means that Christmas this year won’t be as merry as it usually is, but I still felt like I had to write something more than just signing my name. Finally I decided to play to my strengths by writing wishes that were warped, weird, and in slightly bad taste. Thankfully my friends and family are cognizant of my bizarre sense of humor so they all went over well. And since this is the season of giving, I decided to share (most of) my wishes here for anyone else who is wondering what to say in their holiday cards this year. Off we go then.

“Merry Christ-mask!”

A good rule of thumb if you don’t know what to write in a holiday card – or any card for that matter – is that you can’t go wrong with a terrible pun. You’re probably thinking, But aren’t people suffering enough? The answer is no. You can never be suffering too much that you can’t be subjected to a horrible pun.

“A very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Let’s hope this one’s better, or else where’s the beer?”

I like this one because it not only references an iconic song, it also encourages swilling beer. I’m unable to do this myself anymore, but I’m still happy to advocate whenever possible.

“Hope that your visit from Santa Claus is a good one. Don’t worry, he can’t infect you. He’s been Santa-tized.”

I honestly just came up with this sentiment on Twitter today so I didn’t actually use this in a card, but I was so proud of it that I needed to share it here too. I don’t know how well this would work as something to write in your holiday card, but if you give it a go please let me know how it flew.

“This year was uglier than that Christmas sweater you wore.”

Now we’re entering the smartass arena. These wishes say ‘I know we’ve been taking a lot of knocks this year…so here is another’.

“Happy Holidays! Looking forward to next year when we can make plans to see each other again, and then take turns cancelling on each other.”

This wish comes with the gift of keeping it real. We both know we’re relieved when the other cancels. Let’s celebrate the fact that we care enough that we missed doing it this year.

Happy Holidays! I’m missing seeing you at an awkward family gathering this year!

My family is nothing but awkward gatherings. It’s as “Christmas” as Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, and just as psychologically damaging. And much like Rudolph we keep coming back for more for some sick reason. If you’ve got cousins you like to roll your eyes with as your aunts guzzle boxes of wine, this might be for you.

Well, we’ve both made it this far, so that’s good.

This one is for your fellow pessimist. They would actually prefer this holiday wish regardless of a pandemic.

Cheers to the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. Namely, the end of it.

This holiday wish is nice because it starts with a Christmas song quote, and then it flips so that it works for Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Year’s. It’s like saying “Happy Holidays” with a lot of extra words to sound clever. Oh and if you want to hear some horrible Hanukkah puns you can revisit this post here.

Happy Holidays! Fuck this year!

I mean, it’s what we’re all thinking.

So there you go, peeps! Nine completely sane and appropriate sentiments for your holiday cards this year. Inflict them on someone you love because no matter how awful they are, they at least won’t land them in the hospital.

Two Oh Two Whoah

What could be more fun than having precarious health and no sense of direction, other than having precarious health and no sense of direction in the middle of a pandemic. Oh, and living in the second most COVID-19 infected state in the most infected country in the world. Thankfully I’m at least in the part of New Jersey that is considered a suburb of Philly rather than in the north. (Actually I’m always thankful for that since, as anyone from New Jersey will tell you, the north and the south hate each other.) But yeah, it’s been one hell of a month.

I’ve been sitting here for an hour and a half trying to think of how to make this a cohesive post and I can’t do it. The Depression Monster is bearing down on me and while that usually breeds better writing for me, that’s not the case today. Being one of the vulnerable members of society meant that I had to begin social distancing before most people even knew what that was, but then I managed to come down with a fever the Friday before last and that was a complete nightmare. The chances that I had contracted COVID-19 were slim but I still had to isolate as if I had it, and of course because of the country’s ridiculously limited resources, I wasn’t able to be tested to prove otherwise. The scary thing is that I was most likely experiencing a Lupus flare, and thank God that it didn’t become complicated, but it made me realize how fragile I am – a fact that I still do my best to ignore. That realization, along with the current state of things, has me in a funk. I don’t do well just sitting still. It’s a skill I’m trying to develop but I’m not good at it. However if there was every a time to embrace the art of being still this would be it. So much like the rest of the world I’m sitting, which is probably for the best since I don’t even know where I’m supposed to be going yet. I suppose none of us do.

Dribs & Drabs

  • As you can tell I am writing these entries without any regard to SEO, readability, or images because I would use all of those as an excuse to not write. This entry is shit but at least I wrote.
  • I again made it by the skin of my teeth by posting my monthly entry on the very last day. Hopefully the day will come again when I’ll write for inspiration rather than obligation.
  • Stay inside, everyone. If you do have to go out, wash your hands like you ate a bag of Cheetos and have to put your contacts in.