I originally wrote this post on Monday where it started with the sentence “Recently added to my list of shit that surprises me not at all is the fact that Paula Deen is racist.” That was when what was meant to be a brief introduction launched into a rant of epic proportions.
Ironically my rant wasn’t at Paula Deen because, like I said, I’m not surprised at all to find out that she’s racist–(actually I’ve always assumed that her real name is Granny Goodness and she’s from the planet Apokolips but that’s just me)–but at the people who are defending her. Apparently there is a group of people who are saying that Paula shouldn’t be chastised for using the n-word because it’s unfair that only black people can use it.
Actually this just further supports my theory that Paul is actually Granny because the people whining about not being allowed to use this word sound like a bunch of bratty children with a room full of toys who are throwing a tantrum because of the one shitty toy they don’t have. I could tell them all to grow the fuck up and send them to bed without dessert but then, since it’s already been established through my other “how to” posts that I am the spirit of altruism, I decided to provide a handy dandy insult-o-matic filled with alternative insults that are offensive to both everyone and no one.
For you see I have inherited a fucking awesome trait from my amazing mother in that when we are angry the most bizarre shit comes flying out of our mouths. It’s actually quite brilliant because we feel better from having just spewed a string of insults but then we usually end up making the people around us laugh…then we end up laughing ourselves and–not to shove a rainbow up your ass–but laughter really is the antidote for anger.
So here we go.
I’ve found that Mumma and I tend to follow a formula of adjective-compound verb-noun for our insults and have provided three columns of each for you. Whenever you want to insult someone just pick a word from each column and fire away.
This really isn’t my best material since I wasn’t spazzing when I made this chart (and holy fuck am I tired) but you get the idea.
So now it’s your turn! What do you, my bestest peeps, like to pop off with when you’re angry?
(Also a quick thank you for all of the wonderful comments left on my last post announcing the first of some awesome writing stuff that’s shaking. You guys are the best. ♥ Kxx )
My mother is quite the pistol. Whether she’s insisting that there is a dead cow in the road or smashing apart an entertainment center with a hammer, she’s an endless fount of entertainment. What I neglect to mention on here though is that my mother is the kindest, most loving person that you will ever meet. Seriously, Jewels can vouch for my mother’s sweet personality and super hugs. Aside from her hugs she also does things like rescuing squirrels from swimming pools (long story) and catching mice with a set of tongs and taking them outside instead of trapping them. She also puts up with my shenanigans which automatically makes her a saint., but not only that has supported my dream of being a writer and never stopped believing in it when a lot of parents would tell their daughters to grow up and get a real job. Finally she is incredibly patient and despite being half Irish she has very a long fuse and doesn’t easily lose her temper, and she rarely curses.
That is of course except during her daily trips to Farmville.
As I’m sure that anyone on Facebook knows Farmville is a virtual farm where the player can grow crops, build little buildings and complete missions. It’s simply charming. Unfortunatly the game is full of glitches and between that and Facebook’s new feed system where my mother’s Farmville friends don’t see her posts for them to help with the missions, she flips shit at least twice an evening.
Two minutes later…
One minute later…
Thirty seconds later…
And then I get my riot gear and wrestle the Oozie away from her.
This happens every single night.
I have been planning this post ever since I first heard my mother scream “Fuck you, Farmville!” but I knew that it would take me a while to create. (Yay comics!) Seeing that today is my mother’s birthday, I took the extra time to finally create her tale of Farmville angst.
Happy Birthday, to the most wonderful, supportive, amazing Mumma ever! I love you, you crazy woman!
I just happened to see one of my Jewish friends yesterday, which was brilliant since Hanukkah started later that evening.
Kat: Happy Chaka-Khan-ukkah!
Kat: Chaka Khan. The singer.
Amigo: Okaaay… thanks.
Kat: I’d also like you to know that you spin me right round. Baby. Right ’round. Like a dreidel, baby. Right ’round, ’round ’round.
Kat: What? Don’t hate the player, hate the game.
Kat: Did you know that if you were a rapper your name could be Dr. Dreidel?
Kat: Nothing? Fuck me, you’re boring.
Amigo: I’m just surprised that you didn’t say something like “Keep the Han in Hanukkah” since you’re such a comic geek.
Amigo: Like Han Solo? I’ve seen that meme a few times.
Kat: Han Solo in Hanukkah?! Now that’s funny! Or better yet, “Keep the “Chew” in Han-Chew-Kkah!”
Amigo: That’s awful.
Kat: And Star Wars is a movie, not a comic. Mostly.
Anyway, these wretched puns are my ridiculous way of wishing my Jewish peeps a very Happy Hanukkah!
Call me a comic geek, eh? Then take THIS!