You Say Goodbye, and I Say Hello: The 2012 Year in Review!

So 2012…

you say goodbye I say hello, statler and waldorf

January

The year started with a trip to Boston, and in typical Kat fashion I arrived late, damp, cold, drunk and having locked myself in the train station bathroom at one point.

February

February was a weird month, and it culminated in the decsion to move out of my apartment and crash at my mother’s place for the time being. In hindsight I can tell you that, true to what I had mused in the post where I announced my decision to move, this choice fit the mold in that it was extremely difficult at the time but ended up being the right one. And of course since once I’ve made a decision to do something I have to do it immediately and by the end of the February I was packed, ready to move and leaning on Bestie and my brother to help me get my shit out of my old place and into my mother’s. Naturally the move was done with the usual fanfare that erupts around me and so it included my mother smashing apart an entertainment center with a hammer and me nearly knocking myself unconscious. All in all though I accepted that I had closed a chapter but that something better was coming.

March

Less than a week after I moved I broke my hand in a most spectacular fashion and was subjected to the world’s shittiest doctor (whose time will come when the new doctor’s office down the road from him opens and takes his patients). I was still adjusting to living with my family on top of being in pain and it inspired this short story which I wouldn’t usually included in a Year in Review except that it becomes important in another moment this year. I also got a kick in the chest with some personal shit that I didn’t talk about on here and though I realize now that I kicked ass through it, March was a difficult month.

April

you said what

“You said what?”
“I forget but it probably inappropriate.”

For a number of reasons, not the least of which is that I just like to torture myself, I did a Seven Day Detox “diet”. I’d probably list this event anyway because this was not an easy task and I still feel a bit gloaty that I made the week, but this is something else that plays a more significant role in a later month. While my paw was still healing I somehow managed to design the Writes Like a Slut logo that I had been talking about doing for over a year. I finished the month by sharing one of the wrongest stories ever which has resulted in some really, really fucked up search results landing here.

May

May was a huge month. Not only did I receive my “Writes Like a Slut” shirt, and my dear Jewels receive her shirt and become the first member of the WLAS Posse, but I also gave you some kick ass zombie survival advice all month long, and became a contributer to the new site The Indie Chicks. The hilarious thing is that my first article was about makeup, and somehow the beauty section has since become my li’l niche there. Despite all of this brilliance though, there was a dark moment in May with the passing of M.C.A of the Beastie Boys and how that much affected me.

June

For the halfway point of the year I did some more graphic designing including the “Tequila is Cheap” and the “Dirty Stay Out”. I also did a rare serious, activist type post where I threw a holy fit at Urban Decay for deciding to allow animal testing on their products. The month concluded with a post on cell phone etiquette and a link to my newest article at The Indie Chicks on what to expect during that Seven Day Detox I did in April. The article received 10,000 hits within the first week and remains (I believe) the most popular article on the site. To date I know that it’s been stumbled over 63,000 times and thus is the most widely read piece of my work (so far).

July

grumpy hug

And then there’s this.

I got my first professional Brazilian bikini wax…at a Jewish Community Center because that’s how I roll. I also created Facebook Fan Page for this site because I’m so hilarious. Finally I did something rather bitchy, wrote about it, and it has since because one of my most popular stories because everyone has had a guy or girl treat them like shit and my act of nastiness was for us all.

August

I let the ocean water touch me for the first time since I was eighteen years old and I did it even before I was given a watermelon full of Everclear. This was a major accomplishment for me even if I haven’t actually made it into the water again yet. I also met a Tolkien character at Home Depot which is another incident that comes back later in the year. Finally I followed up on the wrongest story post because one wrong turn deserves another.

September

I got a wretched eye infection thanks to eye strain that resulted in my dog taking over the blog for me, and then I celebrated the year anniversary of my getting BONed and held my first giveaway.

October

somebody i used to know, gotye

How many times did you hear this song this year?

This month saw my first (and relatively minor in the big picture especially since it won’t be my last) disappointment as a writer. The story that I had mentioned writing back in March had not won either of the contests that I had entered, but this is another blessing in disguise since it was a serious piece and probably not the best representation of my usual style. The East Coast was then attacked by Frankenstorm aka Hurricane Sandy, however we were very lucky and did not sustain any damage. I also created a youtube channel where you all got to hear my muddled accent in my first Birchbox video. (And yes I have noticed that you all watch the bloopers reel more than the legit product and no, it honestly doesn’t surprise me since I’ve build a readership based on WTF so of course the popularity of videos would reflect this.)

November

I had a bout of depression because… it happens. And tat’s the beauty of depression is that it often comes for no fucking reason just to rattle my monkey tree. I do know that part of my problem was that my formerly broken hand which never healed properly was feeling the ache of the cold weather and I was having some particularly exhausting cardiac flares. Luckily God sent a door-to-door meat saleman to my house and since traumatizing others always makes me feel better it helped to snap me back to my so-called normal self.

December

elf on the shelf, iron throne, game of thrones

He made his own Iron Throne.

I held my second giveaway and the prize didn’t even require crossing dressing on the part of the guys if one of them won. I also developed an obsession with Elf on the Shelf which you have to be on Facebook to fully appreciate. My mother, brother and I went to the Show of Lights together for the first time in years and it was pretty brilliant to revive this tradition that spanned back to when I was a kid. I was the honored as the Featured Writer at Studio 30+ where that trip to Home Depot when I met Gollum came in handy since for my article I wrote about how to Blog Like a Bitchin’ Rockstar from Mars. (That’s not exactly the title but it’s what I would have used if I wasn’t trying to censor myself somewhat.) Finally I announced that “Writes Like a Slut” is now on over half of the continents in the world. Not a bad way to finish out what was a pretty fucking amazing year in writing for me.

The really, really final major event of 2012 though?

Writing this year in review and for the first time since 2007 not looking back at the previous twelve months and feeling that I was leaving with a deficit.

I’ve a vlog I’ll be posting later hopefully, but in closing I just want to say thank you all so much for reading and supporting me this year. Right before I started this entry I looked at my stats of visits, retweets, links in, ect and I am touched beyond words at how much you all have helped me grow this year. I seriously could not be doing now–writing, which has and always will be my true love–if it were not for you guys. You’re amazing. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!

~Kxxoo

Best wishes for a Happy, Healthy, Prosperous and Kickass 2013!

PS-There were a few other major events that I didn’t mention, but that’s because they are actually precursors to really major events and I don’t want to jinx it. Don’t worry, as soon as it feels solid I will be screaming my face off about it.

A Christmas Tree Named Jimmy

Much like the annual Battle for the Halloween McNuggets, there is a battle that rages in my family each year as we decorate for Christmas.

(I’m sure that this surprises none of you that my family can’t even fucking decorate for a holiday without wanting to maim each other.)

This battle, however, is slightly less violent than the one for the Halloween McNuggets because it involves my brother and my mother rather than my brother and me. For years my mother has been trying to convince my brother that having an artificial Christmas tree would be just as nice as having a real one only without the hours of work that it takes to string hundreds of lights in its flimsy branches or the mess of pine needles everwhere. Of course the irony here is that my brother bitches about having a real tree but he doesn’t do shit to help decorate it.

My mother finally won the battle though because, since I’m at my mother’s this Christmas and I have a beautfiul artificial tree that would otherwise be sitting in the attic, she insisted that we use my tree this year. I was thrilled because with being the writer who works from home, a large portion of the decorating would fall to me, and not only is a fake tree easier to decorate than a real tree, my tree is also pre-lit. Boo-yah!

But then I should know that nothing is ever that easy for me.

I was opening the Christmas tree branches last week when I looked up to see a large section at the top of the tree had gone out.

What the hell?

half out tree, half lit tree

Not my tree, but I feel their pain.

My tree is supposed to be a closed circuit system which means that if one bulb goes out the rest of the string will stayed on.

“It has to be a bad bulb,” my mother insisted.
“No it’s a closed circuit!” I insisted right back. “It’s got to be a fuse.”
Mummas gave me a skeptical look.
Don’t anybody move! Hold it right there! The fuse is out,” I rumbled. ((Bonus points if you get that quote.))

Thirty minutes later I walked into the dining room in defeat.
“I tried replacing the fuse, but it wasn’t that,” I grumbled.
“Where did you get a spare fuse?” my mother asked suspiciously.
“I took the one that was in the light of the Christmas star tree topper.”
“Aaaaaaaaah!” my mother shrieked.
“Calm down! I put the other fuses in it so it’ll still work… I think.”
Mumma gave me another skeptical look. “It’s definitely a bad bulb now,” she added. “You’re going to have to take out each bulb and see which one isn’t working.”
“Like hell! Those lights are a bitch to pull out!” And then I felt my pupils dialate as the truth dawned on me. “Holy shit!” I gasped. “Despite our best efforts our tree has unionized! One bulb decided not to work and they all followed suit.”
“We can just string a single set of lights in the dead zone,” my mother suggested ignoring me since she has long since because used to my absurd declarations.
“Oh no we won’t!” I yelled.”There’s no unionization in this tree! I don’t know what these fucking bulbs want since they only have to work one month a year! That’s it! I’m going maffia on Jimmy’s ass and he’s getting back to work or getting thrown off a bridge!”

prolight keeper

Reach for the sky, Jimmy!

And in true maffia fashion, my problem was solved with a gun.

After deciding that I wasn’t going to accept be pushed around by my unionized tree, I jumped onto the faithful Interbutz (the second time that he has saved my ass at Christmas time) and looked up the best way to find out which of my non-working bulbs was the union leader. The most recommended solution was the PROLight Keeper Gun which would test the electrical current on the string of bulbs to find where the circuit was broken.

Jimmy refused to cooperate with the first electric method where you attach the gun to the string of lights and fire away–this is supposed to be the easiest method so naturally it wouldn’t work–but then I tazered him with the metal end of the gun and he finally gave up the leader. I ripped that sucker out and I’m happy to say that the rest of the bulbs went back to work after that.

It was only later that I realized that there were more than just rebellious bulbs involved in this scandal.

elf on the shelf, christmas tree

I’ve named him “Brat”.

Son of a bitch.

FYI, entries for the giveaway have ended and I’ll be announcing the winner later this week!

Also my latest BirchBox video is up and as usual I have to be all arrogant as usual and say that even if you don’t give a mummer’s fart about makeup, the video is rather entertaining. There’s a shoutout to my Wonder Twins in there.

(The blooper reel is coming soon.)