I don’t think it’s a surprise to anyone who has been reading my blog for any length of time that I haven’t been feeling like myself for several months now.
For one thing, I just cannot get used to this new site. I know you’re all probably sick of hearing about it, and I know that I should get over it all, but this new format just will not work correctly for me. Every time I come on here it’s a fucking reminder that I failed because I still don’t know what I did wrong in that motherfucking stupid migration, and it’s just shitting all over everything. The back end isn’t working correctly which make things more difficult for me to write, but I’ll be honest and admit that the biggest thing that pisses me off is knowing that as I write this that I have about 2,000 feed subscribers and nearly 1,000 Google subscribers who aren’t having my new post show up in their feed, and it fucking sucks! What’s more is that I can’t even look at my blog feed subscriptions because it sets me stupid to look at my blog roll and see that my own posts are missing from the feed (seriously, my own subscription to myself doesn’t even fucking show up), so I haven’t looked at my blog subscriptions for over two months, which means I haven’t read your posts either. Yes, I admit it: I suck. In the past I might not have always commented on your posts, but I stayed up to date with at least reading them and now I’ve failed at that. Feel free to boo and hiss at your leisure because I completely deserve it.
Besides my hangup over my site not working affecting my mental state and create output, the other shitty thing that recently happened is that my mother was in a car accident in October. She’s relatively okay considering that her car was fucking destroyed, but “relatively okay” isn’t exactly great, and being upset about this has most certainly mucked up the wiring in my brain. It has made a significant impact on my immediate state of writing, but more importantly it has been a contributing factor in making a major decision about the current road I have been traveling. It’s something that I’ve been wrestling with for a while, but that decision is revealed in this post as part of December’s paragraph. What will become of it, is a story for another post.
So this post is… Me saying I’m sorry? A confession? An explanation? I don’t even know. Whatever you want to call it, whether it justifies my absence (and lack of creative activity, and failings, ect) or not, it is what it is, and has always been.
Complicated. Conflicting. Flawed.
I was once told that the most important lesson in writing is to tell the truth, and I’ve always tried to maintain that despite the predominantly autobiographical nature of this blog. I had originally planned to end this “Year in Review” post at May before I began sounding like I was descending into a maudlin pity party, but then that wouldn’t be very truthful would it? And so I present it all. My year–my life–as I have always offered it, without pretenses or censorship. Complicated, conflicting, and flawed. Just like me.
That said, my dear reader, I would not blame you at all for skipping over the ugly bits which begin to surface in May (or the rest of this post in its entirety for that matter because…bluuurrrrrgh), but I will make a concentrated effort to read your 2013 Year in Review posts (because you know you will do one), or whatever post you have deemed fit to end this infamously Fibonaccian of years.
Lovely 13. You were supposed to be mine own.
In a true illustration that the best ideas do NOT come from Pinterest, I set my ass on fire with in a ginger detox bath. I then did the Polar Bear Plunge in Wildwood to benefit the Special Olympics. (<SHAMELESS PLUG!> Incidentally, I’m doing this again because I’m not so selfish as to not realize that there are those who have heavier cross to bear than my own, and I could really use your support in meeting my pledge goal. Please pledge here!</SHAMELESS PLUG!>)
I had an adventure with the home vet involving projectile shit and it was just as magical as it sounds. For her birthday, I made my mother a comic about her love/hate relationship with Farmville. Then I had a run-in with the self-harm bitch as a precursor to Kira’s forthcoming surgery. At the time I told myself I was being ridiculous and that Kira would be fine. Lesson learned: never ignore your instincts as we will see next month.
Kira nearly died during dental surgery. I cannot express the anger that I still harbor for the vet that nearly killed her from an overdose of sedative. It is in fact very, very difficult to not wish something fucking horrible on the stupid fuck-cunt that nearly killed her.
I adopted my “son”, my boy dog, the one that I always knew I would have yet didn’t know how it could be possible, and who makes 2013 end up in the “plus” column despite everything.
I love you, Seamus the Horny Boy.
I did not write about this but my coworker’s husband passed quiet suddenly on June 1 while they were on their way to South Carolina. In fact, he died in a manner very near to my father’s sudden passing, and between this similarity and an overabundance of empathy, this affected me a lot more than it should have. It resulted in working double shifts at my “part time” job all month while my coworker was in mourning, but that didn’t upset me nearly as much as thinking about what she was going through.
In mid-June, I went to a Derby themed bridal shower, and it was as pretentious as it sounds, though the truly spectacular absurdity happened when I went to buy the fucking hat for the stupid event. And in related news, I joined Instagram. There was also a flash of “pretty fucking awesome” when I was informed that I was referenced in the Alternate History aka “Steampunk” textbook being used in Universities all over the world.
I made a handy-dandy insult sheet which, despite a spelling error, has been repinned about 300(?) times on Pinterest last I checked. (And yes I know that this isn’t exactly a “viral” pin, but it’s pretty fucking brilliant to me so I’ma celebratin’ like WHOOOAHHHH!) I then had a battle with motherfucking huge ants which resulted in a Game of Thrones pun that landed me in the official Game of Thrones paper. Finally, I took my new family of two furry children, plus our family pup for a total of three furry creatures, to the beach…and it was a disaster from Hell.
Another loss came when my dear Celia had to say good-bye to her beloved Audrey. This, again, was something that upset me more than a normal person should allow.
The worst though? The thing that I did not write about yet alluded to? I had a literary agent, and my long-talked about novel was about to be locked down for print, but she decided to drop my manuscript in favor of focusing on the Young Adult genre. I honestly cannot blame her for making a constructed career choice considering all of the recent blockbuster movies have been based on YA books, but the other part of me has added her name to the list of people I will scream “I told you I was worth something!” to when my stupid fucking work is published and doing well.
(Fuck me, I’m just praying I can really say that one day.)
I ripped apart the overgrown garden in my mother’s yard. (You can already see the mental slide there). AND THEN! I fell into the ultimate pit of I’m-Going-To-Destroy-Everything-I’ve-Worked-For when I decided to migrate from a third-party site to a self hosted one and fucked it up in a truly spectacular fashion. During that migration I adopted a Foster Baby Sparrow. I had her for a week until I lost her to that fucking asshole, Death.
I, personally, destroyed your chances of ever finding Chicken and Waffles Potato Chips again, which pissed off my mother quite a bit. I also let go of trying to fix this site. (Only not really since, as you read above, I can’t even look at the fucking site without wanting to throw my computer across the room.)
My mother was in a car accident.
My biological grandfather died. Again, shouldn’t have been upset, but was not for nothing else than he was husband to my grandmother, Kathryn.
I celebrated publishing 200 posts which was a fucking miracle considering my attention span. I decided to use the occasion to celebrate a cause that’s dear to my heart, animal rescue, by inviting readers to share their animal rescue stories. I received so many wonderful stories that I had to create a second part of the 200th post.
Again, death came calling when another coworker’s father lost his battle with ALS. And once again I’ll admit that I felt too much empathy and sank further into the pit as I talked with her about what it was like to lose a parent too soon. Given my current mental state I recalled my previous experience with seeing a counselor. That entry actually is kind of a big deal since it was the first thing I’d written in a long time without worrying about if it was properly “bloggy”.
The alternator went on the replacement car I found for my mother. Then she and I agreed that she couldn’t keep working with her head and neck injured as it is from the accident. And then I came to the decision to shelf the writing career for now, and seek a full-time job in a previous field. I’ve an interview today in fact.
I made this post which you are reading. It’ll probably be the last one for a while.
On to the future
So, in closing, I’m not going to be sad that 2013 was a terrible disappointment, and I’m not going to feel like I’m taking a step backward. I’m going to be thankful that 2014 means that I have an opportunity to do better, and that I’m not giving up on my goals even if the path has changed a bit.
Best wishes for 2014 to you, my dear peeps.