Writes Like a Slut

I was really excited about what I had planned for Friday’s “Soft Core Friday” post–(Yes. I’m going to make awful innuendos throughout this entire post)–because it had been a long time coming–(See? I told you.)–but then my job became the ultimate cockblocker this past week I had to go tantric-mithuna with this post–(I’ll save you a trip to good ol’ wiki-land and tell you that, yes, that’s another innuendo).

A long time ago, in a blog far away (Actually it was this blog, back when I called it “Tapetum Lucidum”) I was squirming and shivering with joy because I had surrendered my OFFICIAL smut writing virginity to my dear friend, Jewels.  Unofficially I’d been featured on another smuterotica site sans my name, but I wanted the first time (that my name was attached to the piece) to be special, and what better way to do it than with a friend.

(If you think that these innuendos are bad, you should have read the filth I was tweeting yesterday about fixing the kitchen faucet.)

honey badger, don't give a shitI had barely had time to enjoy the afterglow of getting off that story to Jewels when I received a text from a relative whom I will call “CC”, telling me that my writing was disgusting, and that I “write like a slut”. I’ll admit that my feelings were hurt a bit, but then I realized that I really didn’t give a shit.

Then the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was hilarious!  While I’d expect that my smutty writing inspires certain reactions, CC actually got so worked up that she huffed and puffed and she called me a slut.  I mean, all she would have needed to add was that I deserved to be punished for my filthy prose and this post would have fucking wrote itself.  Being told that I “write like a slut” ended up giving me so much jolly that I decided that I needed to make a t-shirt proclaiming it.

Seriously though, I mean, how does one write like a slut after all?  Is it by simply writing smut in the first place?  I don’t think so, because as I (in)famously demonstrated in this post, poorly written smut is the most hilarious thing outside of calling Nicholas Cage a serious actor.  I guess if I am guilty of “writing like a slut” it’s because, instead of settling down with one writing genre like Urban Fantasy and making legitimate little book babies, I fool around with several genres and make a bunch of little bastards blog posts.  One night I will be getting jiggy with Mr. Humour and create a South Park style cartoon about food poisoning, while another night will be spent with Mr. Horror producing a morbid tale of revenge, and a third will be with Sir Poetry who is a pretentious snot that thinks he’s a knight, conceiving poetic drivel.

So whether it be because I wrote smut, or because I write in several different genres, or because I write while wearing over-the-knee high boots, I decided that I’m ready to wear that shirt proclaiming it to the world.  Despite a lack of time, and possessing no artistic talent, I created this design last week.

writes like a slut

On the back it has:

writes like a slut, you are welcomeI’m as anxious as Tim Tebow on his wedding night (let’s face it, that boy’s a virgin and we all know it) for my shirt to get here, and you will all know when it comes by all of the screaming and shrieking which shall erupt from my house.

And since I realize that many writers start out “writing like sluts” too, I set it up so that you can order your very own “Writes like a Slut” shirt, too here with the “You are welcome” and my shameless self-promotion, or here without it.  (FYI–you might have to turn off the “G-rated” default search filter to see the shirts.)  Also, I might make other colours, too, so if you have a request, let me know.  Finally, if you do decide to encourage my depravity, and buy one of these obscene shirts, and if you are so inclined, send me a picture of you wearing your shirt, and I’ll post it in the forthcoming section of this blog because I love you in a completely inappropriate manner like that.

PS-Jewels reposted another piece of my smut this past Friday.  She says you are welcome, and so do I.