Have a Social Distance Christmas

For no good reason at all I wrote this little ditty “Have a Social Distance Christmas”.

Much like my COVID19 holiday card suggestions, I’m trying to use humor to get me through this social distance Christmas. The phrase “social distance Christmas” lit up my brain so much that I ended up muttering it to the tune of Burl Ives’ “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas”, and then I just couldn’t be stopped. I ended up bastardizing the entire song into a cautionary tale about staying away from your loved ones this Christmas, and am presenting it to you all. Yay for new Christmas carols!

(The radio plays “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas” a bajillion times between November and New Year’s, but in case you’re not familiar, here is the song, including the original lyrics.)

Have a social distance Christmas
And did I say fuck this year?
2-0-2-0, boy did you blow
And you can kiss my rear

Have a social distance Christmas
And when you walk down the street
Say hello? Oh hell no
I don’t care there’s six feet

No, no, no mistletoe
Do you want to get COVID19?
How far does that swab go?
Oh just wait you’ll see

Have a social distance Christmas
And in case you didn’t hear
Oh by golly, you just better keep your distance
This year

(Have a social distance Christmas
A middle finger to this year…)

Have a social distance Christmas
Just stay off my street
Say hello? You’ll catch an elbow
No hands but you’ll get beat

Oh, no, you just gotta go
It’s your face I don’t wanna see
“Somebody waits for you”
Nope. They’re not seeing me

Have a social distance Christmas
And in case I wasn’t clear,
Oh by golly I just better not see your ass
This year!

Now that you’ve finished it, I’d just like to say I’m not sorry.

An Abundance of Smart Ass(terisks)

I’m a bit MIA.*



And what’s worse is that my superstition about announcing-something-until-it-has-already-happened-in-case-something-fucks-it-up keeps me from disclosing everything that has kept me from interacting with my kickass peeps on here. Just take my word for it (for now since I can’t wait until I can scream my face off) that I’ve been working like a bitch on the down and dirty aspect of being a writer–aka the business aspect of writer–and it’s extremely time expensive and about as much fun as going through your recently deceased great-aunt’s belongings and finding her collection of foot long dildos.**

**Though not nearly as awkward, so there’s that.

s hi t, shitThis business-y type work is of course in addition to recovering from the trauma of nearly losing my beloved Eskie at the beginning of the month–which a normal person would be over by now but I, on the other hand, have anxiety issues and thus continue to have spazz attacks and feel the need to stop what I’m doing and cuddle her.***

***Kira, being fully recovered, isn’t too happy when I do this since it usually disturbs her from a nap.

In the meantime I did make a video in reference to the two cases that the Supreme Court is hearing about same sex marriage this week.****

****Some of you are probably thinking that a video would take longer than actually writing a post but not for me; as much as I enjoy “vlogging” I don’t worry over it as much as I do about my written words and so I can do a vlog in a fourth of the time that I do a written blog post.

Some people will hate this video because they are stupidasses who won’t get the tongue-in-cheekiness of it*****, and some people will hate it because they disagree, but that’s their prerogative. All I ask is that if anyone feels the need to express that they disagree that they do it with respect.

*****I already have one of these and for the record, I am pro-marriage and said commenter is a moron.

In closing, it’s after 1am as I write this and I’m really bloody tired, but thank you so much for being here, my dear peeps.*******

*******Also, I know I say “thank you” a lot, but I truly mean it. I’ve had to deal with a lot of shit in my life and I just want it known how grateful I am for the support that you all have given me.

A Peek In My Brain (God Help You All) Aka: LOOK WHAT I FOUND IN DRAFTS!!!

So you know that shit to which I referred in this video post here?*

*I find it somewhat hilarious when I curse and yet use proper English.**

**That said, I’m easily amused.***

***Especially by my own humor.

reblog for stupid questions

(You’re gonna get some soon.)

Anyway! I’m stupid busy with that shit, yet trying to maintain a better blogging schedule (because who doesn’t want to up the ante on their blog posts when they have a deadline to finish rewrites on their first novel and the pressure is ridiculously on, right???) and luckily I found this little ditty in my drafts folder thanks to some questions posed by my girl Jewels a while ago on her blog. This is actually perfect because I’ve received a number of really weird? personal? WTF? questions in my email and various DMs and I’m going to add my answers to those questions at the bottom.

1. What side of the bed do you sleep on?

The top.

2. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes. I don’t discriminate against a person just because they don’t have a body.

3. Would you be willing to go on a cross country (driving) trip with me?

More than willing, in fact I think that we should do this because I’ve always wanted to drive to Hawaii.

4. If you could only watch one show for the rest of your life what would it be?

Cupcake Wars. As long as Florian Bellanger remained one of the judges. (I fucking love him!)

5. If you could only read one author until the end of time who would it be?

I’m going to go with George R.R. Martin because I really want to know how the “Song of Fire and Ice” series ends, and at the rate he’s writing, it’s going to take until the end of time for him to finish it.

6. If you HAD to get something pierced what would it be?

A Tragus or a Helix because I kinda want those anyway.

7. Given a choice of a mystery meaning Chinese symbol, butterfly, or zodiac tattoo which would you pick? (You HAVE to pick one)

A butterfly. Zodiac is hoo-ha, and a former friend of mine had a Chinese symbol tattooed on himself that he found out later literally translated to “Kill Whitey”. And then there’s this:

English tattoo on Asian girl

8. Would you rather have sex with Wilford Brimley/Susan Boyle or give up sex for good?

Well I’m not a lesbian, and I’d rather not give up the option to have sex, so I’ll go with Wilfy. He and his “die-beetus” wouldn’t last long anyway.

9. What would you pay for a vaccination that prevents kids from being bitchy, sassy, dickheads?

I already have a vaccination for this.  It’s called The Naughty Box.

10. Would you rather serve a week in prison or try and survive for a year alone in a jungle?

Jungle. Easy. Only I wouldn’t just survive, I’d be ruling that shit by the time a year was over.  And everyone who visited would be greeted with “Do you know where you are?  You’re in the jungle, baby.  You’re gonna diiiiiiie!”

11. What is it about nice people that attract total idiots?

You smell nice.


How old are you? (Number one question I get asked.)

Old. Like super old.

Let me put it this way, there is a reason that I write about vampires.

Are your stories really true? (The majority of the time this question refers to the story about what I did to The Cheating Dude and his keys.)

With the exception of the story about the toaster, yes, the stories involving me are true. I’m seriously a magnet for WTF, and I’m just blessed that I (seem to) have an effective enough writing voice to convey just how bizzare some of this shit is.

Why haven’t there been any stories about S. lately?

This is my own fault since I probably didn’t state it clearly in the post that I wrote , but S. succumbed to the cancer that she had been fighting on the day before Thanksgiving in 2011.

What kind of dog is Kira?

A Brat-skimo: 100% American Eskimo* and 100% Brat
*Kira is a runt though and only about 12 lbs when she should be closer to 20.

Did you go to school to be a writer?

No, with the exception of a few courses, I didn’t go to college period. I said that I graduated from a college to get into first “real” job and then moved my way up by always asking for more responsibilities. I do not advocate this at all, however when I left that job I was the head of the department and had reorganized it so that the practice was making twice as much as it had under my predecessor who had a Masters degree.*

*And by admitting this I realize that I’ve given my future spawn a massive weapon to use against me when I harangue them about the merits of proper education.

Since turnabout is fair play, here are some questions for you all!

1-Did you ever wonder how they get the “M”s on M&Ms?
2-If you could only read one book for the rest of you life, what would you have for a snack?
3-What was the first CD that you ever bought? (Not record or tape, but CD.)
4-Are you stealing your Internet? If so where are you located because I’m tired of paying for mine.
5-Do you think that I’m joking?
6-Should I keep asking questions?
7-If you answered “no” to number 6, why did you read this? If you answered “yes”, are you mental?
8-If you answered number 7 yet said “no” to number 6, are you a Cthuhlu? If you answered “yes” to both number 6 and 7, then you are probably me.
9-I talk to myself.
10-Number 9 wasn’t a question unless you are me, then you know what I was asking.
11-Are you sleeping okay, dear?

Finally, since I’m sure that I’ve just told you all way more than you ever wanted to know about me, I’m chalking this entry up as Number 23 on my terribly neglected List of Shameless Shit: “Air one of your secrets.”

The Past Eight Days In 27 Sentences (Or So)

What do you do when you are pressed for time and your eyes are strained, but you haven’t done a blog post in over a week?


  1. This is the ultimate blog post cheat since I make lists all the time anyway.
  2. I worked ALL. DAY. YESTERDAY. on finishing the book I’ve been writing procrastinating about for years because I’ve had it, and this fucker is getting finished within six months.
  3. I have eye strain from this.
  4. The irony of being an optometry tech yet suffering from eye strain is not lost on me.
  5. The irony of being a part-time optometry tech yet working 40+ a week is not lost on me either.
  6. The irony of the term “fresh frozen” is a little lost on me.
  7. If the Zombie Apocalypse comes before I’m finished writing my book, I will postpone kicking zombie ass and feeding hipsters to them until after I’m done this book.
  8. That is remarkable because I’ve been training for the Zombie Apocalypse my entire life and I really hate hipsters.
  9. I am a Twittering MASTER!
  10. I’ve decided to use the word “twittering” as a synonym for “using a vibrator” from now on.
  11. Number 9 is still accurate.
  12. In related news, my dear sweet friend, Jewels, reposted one of my smut pieces on her Naughty Nothings blog.
  13. You are welcome, from both of us.
  14. I (← Hey kids! This is a link to Kat’s Twitter account because she’s an attention whore!) share credit for the best hashtags ever ie: #hecklingbuildscharacter with my loves, Nicki and Celia and #randomsnugglepunch with darling RandyGirl.
  15. My most retweeted tweet was “Was a Republican 4 Halloween. Gave all the candy 2 the big kids & told the small ones that they could have candy if the big kids dropped it.”
  16. My second most retweeted tweet is “I’m later than Odysseus returning from Troy”. #speakingonlyinnerdyanalogies
  17. Conclusion: I think about twittering too much lately.
  18. Heh heh heh.
  19. Baked ziti and coffee taste horrible together.
  20. I want both baked ziti and coffee right now so I’m consuming them together anyway.
  21. My eyes really fucking hurt, but I’m writing this because I love you guys!
  22. Random dildo statement.
  23. I probably didn’t need number 22. since I only say “dildo” when my entry is becoming disturbingly coherent and I don’t think that “coherent” accurately describes this post.
  24. I’ve been engaged in psychological warfare with my upstairs neighbor where he screams like a fucking banshee during football games and I belt out ABBA karaoke.
  25. We’re probably both going to get evicted for disturbing the peace before it’s over.
  26. I get more immature than usual when I’m tired.
  27. Uranus has 27 moons. *snickers*

We will return to your regularly scheduled what-the-fuckery as soon as it doesn’t feel like I soaked my contacts in lemon juice.