Smelly Monkey-Licking Shit Kabob and Other Nice Things To Say

I originally wrote this post on Monday where it started with the sentence “Recently added to my list of shit that surprises me not at all is the fact that Paula Deen is racist.” That was when what was meant to be a brief introduction launched into a rant of epic proportions.

paula dean, granny goodnessIronically my rant wasn’t at Paula Deen because, like I said, I’m not surprised at all to find out that she’s racist–(actually I’ve always assumed that her real name is Granny Goodness and she’s from the planet Apokolips but that’s just me)–but at the people who are defending her. Apparently there is a group of people who are saying that Paula shouldn’t be chastised for using the n-word because it’s unfair that only black people can use it.

Uh huh.

Actually this just further supports my theory that Paul is actually Granny because the people whining about not being allowed to use this word sound like a bunch of bratty children with a room full of toys who are throwing a tantrum because of the one shitty toy they don’t have. I could tell them all to grow the fuck up and send them to bed without dessert but then, since it’s already been established through my other “how to” posts that I am the spirit of altruism, I decided to provide a handy dandy insult-o-matic filled with alternative insults that are offensive to both everyone and no one.

For you see I have inherited a fucking awesome trait from my amazing mother in that when we are angry the most bizarre shit comes flying out of our mouths. It’s actually quite brilliant because we feel better from having just spewed a string of insults but then we usually end up making the people around us laugh…then we end up laughing ourselves and–not to shove a rainbow up your ass–but laughter really is the antidote for anger.

So here we go.

I’ve found that Mumma and I tend to follow a formula of adjective-compound verb-noun for our insults and have provided three columns of each for you. Whenever you want to insult someone just pick a word from each column and fire away.

insult generator, insult cheat sheet, insults

This really isn’t my best material since I wasn’t spazzing when I made this chart (and holy fuck am I tired) but you get the idea.

So now it’s your turn! What do you, my bestest peeps, like to pop off with when you’re angry?

(Also a quick thank you for all of the wonderful comments left on my last post announcing the first of some awesome writing stuff that’s shaking. You guys are the best. ♥ Kxx )

14 thoughts on “Smelly Monkey-Licking Shit Kabob and Other Nice Things To Say

  1. I turn to using ‘prick’ and the various and sundry forms of ‘douche’ when referring to men. I’m not very creative with female insults. I need to print out your chart and practice.

    • I like douchecanoe but I didn’t put it on here (though I use it frequently) because I was trying to stay away from anything that could be twisted around into an argument about any -isms. Like hyperfeminists could bitch about using a product for women and turning it into an insult. I just wanted this to be fun (though I’m positive if someone looked really hard they could find something to be pissed about. =P )

  2. Now that I’ve seen the Granny Goodness/Paula Deen comparison, I’m pretty sure I’ll never be able to unsee it. But, you’re right. The likeness is uncanny.

  3. I don’t get mad… I get even.

    An old woman from the South is racist? No way. But really though, I think the funniest thing of all of this is that a woman who made such recipes as “Krispy Kreme Burgers” and “Deep Fried Butter Balls”, who gave America (and herself) diabetes in the process, was an acceptable role model before, but now that she’s a racist we need to ban her from every outlet possible. We should have banned her a long ass time ago.

    • I get even…AND mad. I’m still confused about how a cook of ANY type is a role model. Or athletes. Or actors. Or… Yeah I just don’t understand celebrity at all. If people want a role model they should look to people they actually know instead of people on TV who they only think that do.

  4. Yeah, that word is never okay…just ever, even when black people use it so that argument is moot.

    As for that insult generator I almost died! So many amazing combinations!!!! :D I’m saving that image haha.

  5. Oh, gosh, for sure I was not surprised a bit. Another thing that irritates me about those defending her is…why in the world do they feel the need to defend someone who makes millions of dollars? It’s really hard for me to feel bad for her, even if she were wrongly accused…which she wasn’t. And anyway, if you or I went into our job and talked like that, we would be fired, so why shouldn’t she be?

    I love that chart. I’m not much of a cusser, so I can use the inspiration :)

  6. Amen to every single thing A Beer for the Shower said. Seriously.

    And I love how in the last column you include such vile insults as “maggot,” “scumbag,” “hemorrhoid,” and……………”hipster.” HIPSTER HATERS OF THE WORLD UNITE!

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