How To Look Like A Total Ass at the Beach With Your Dogs

I have been wanting to take my dogs to the beach for a long time. I thought that this would be a brilliant idea because I already love the beach and what could make it better except to be at the beach with dogs! Yes my mind was atwitter with shimmering visions of splashing in the ocean with my dogs and then laying on the beach as they recovered from the exhaustive ocean romp.

I was finally able to realize this beachy doggy dream the other week when I had a rare day off. Not only did I get to take my dogs to the beach, but also I learned how to look like an absolute moron while doing it. Yeah. So, here are my tips if you too are so inclined as to look like stupidass at the beach with your dogs.

(Before we begin I should mention that you get bonus points if you happen to take your dogs to the beach on the absolute hottest fucking day of the year because it makes every one of these points just that more brilliant.)

Make sure that you have to spend at least an hour in the car with your dog to get to the beach.

american eskimo dog

One of the few moments he turned to face me.

Since I like to do things over and above the watermark of stupid I live about an hour and a half from the beach but whether it’s one hour or three you’ll want to use this time to already begin to question your sanity at attempting this trip. The easiest way to do this is to make sure that at least one of your dogs have no car manners. In my case two out of the three dogs that I took on this excursion spent the entire ninety minutes trying to create as much havoc as possible by alternately trying to drive the car (Lily)** and attempting to balance on the middle console despite being the size of a small wolf (Seamus)–the latter of which resulted in long stretches of me having my dog’s ass in my face as I was in the back seat.

Hottest fucking day of the year bonus: During the drive you get no air conditioning because your dogs stick their faces in the A/C vents and hog it all for themselves.

(**Lily was not allowed in the driver’s seat which is extremely dangerous and upsets me whenever I see someone let their dog do this but that did not stop her from trying.)

Have one more dog than the number of people in your party.

Most people seem to only have one dog in their family but I call them pussies. If you want to look like a true ass at the beach then you bring more dogs than you can physically handle. I now have two dogs and I will tell you that it is exponentially easier to look like an ass while trying to control two dogs than it is with only one–especially since one of the dogs has not been trained by me since they were a puppy. I will admit though that I did have my mother with me and could pass off a leash to her while I untangled myself from my dogs’ attempts to mummify me with their leashes but since she still had to contend with the third dog in our crew it was still acceptable.

Hottest fucking day of the year bonus: The sand between the parking lot and the ocean is scorching and you have to carry to carry your dogs over it so that they don’t burn the pads of their paws.

Make sure your dogs won’t go in the water. At all.

You’ve brought your dogs all the way to the beach in a cramped car, carried their pampered asses over the sand and deposited them in front of the cool refuse of the ocean. Now you can watch as all three of them–including the one who loves water and always leaps into creeks like a little furry frog–scatter away from the water as if you were trying to drop them into Tabasco sauce. If you’re really lucky then the largest of your dogs will be so freaked out that he jumps into your arms and digs his claws into your tender flesh.

Hottest fucking day of the year bonus: You had planned on your dogs getting cool by going in the water and now feel like an asshole because they’re hot.

Buy the shittiest umbrella that $5 can get you.

Your dogs won’t go in the water but the good news is that you have an umbrella which snaps in half as soon as you try to shove it in the sand in an attempt to at least provide your dogs some shade.
Another reason you want your umbrella to be shitty is because…

The dog beach is bay-side where the wind whips across the water with massive fury.

The wind will rip that shitty umbrella right out of the sand and send you scrambling down the scorching beach with your arms outstretched and flailing like a drunken Frankenstein.

Hottest fucking day of the year bonus: the combination of heat with the high winds makes it feel like you’re in a massive convection oven.

Have a dog with a deceptively large mane.

He’ll manage to get out of his collar and you can go from chasing an umbrella like a drunken Frankenstein to chasing your dog like a drunken Frankenstein.

Hottest fucking day of the year bonus: Running. Duh.

Be so concerned with keeping the sun off of your dogs that you don’t apply sunscreen to several large areas on your back.

I look like I have vitiligo.

Hottest fucking day of the year bonus: Burns hurt worse in the heat. It’s a Kat fact which means that I said it so it’s true.

Have you fluky heart–which has been a complete trooper during this–finally say “What the fuck you are doing you moron? That’s it! Pass out on the hot sand right now!”

And though I didn’t completely lose consciousness it was nonetheless magical.

Pack up after two hours and take your dogs for ice cream.

american eskimo dogs

“Where’s the ice cream???”

They deserve it after all of the energy they put in to helping you look like a stupidass.

In closing, sometimes I even astound myself at my ability to create clusterfucks.

28 thoughts on “How To Look Like A Total Ass at the Beach With Your Dogs

    • You’d be surprised at the things you will do for your “children”. I have done shit like suppressing an anal gland which I would never ever thought I could do.

  1. Honestly, why is that I have a job and miss these amazing adventures. I have no tolerance for the beach in general but pooches, heat, wind, and bay stench…good day. You are crazy for considering it but I love you for actually doing it.

    Now…I want ice cream.

  2. Ha, that sounds like a blast! I’ve always wanted to take my pooches to the beach. Don’t know how much they’d enjoy it, because they hate the heat, but I think it’d be a fun experience. Now if only Colorado wasn’t landlocked…

    Most people seem to only have one dog in their family but I call them pussies. If you want to look like a true ass at the beach then you bring more dogs than you can physically handle.

    I’ve got 4 dogs, so… yep, I can do that. Might even borrow a friend’s to bring a fifth. Really got to show that “crazy animal person” side of me.

    • Fuck yeah bring that fifth dog!

      And yes logic should have told me that this wouldn’t work since I have two arctic dogs but I tried to reason that they would be okay because of cooling off in the ocean…but then of course they didn’t go in the ocean.

  3. I live five minutes from the Pacific Ocean but we rarely go because my two retrievers absolutely lose their shit with within 100 yards of the beach. Then the big one starts drinking salt water and he loses it again (literally, gushing like a firehose). It gets ugly.

    • Oi. With the exception of Seamus (who is still smaller than a retriever) I have small dogs who manage to trash the car with excitement when I take them out. I cannot imagine having a large dog let alone two of them.

      Though in fairness I would totally take them to the beach more if I lived only five minutes away. 😉

  4. My dogs actually like the beach. Love it. Behave themselves, romp in the surf, lay at the edge of the waves so the water gently laps their feet…but what they do NOT do well is behave themselves when either a.) a cop pulls up in an SUV (we were on a remote beach) or b.) a past-middle-aged woman is walking right in front of you and decides…right at the moment when she is directly in front of your beach chairs….to drop her bikini bottoms. In front of you. IN FRONT. As in, directly in your line of sight, 12 o’clock, full moon. As in, you have to turn your entire face up to THE SKY to not see her ass. Bare ass. Bare vag. Oh god, I’m shuddering just thinking about it.

    It will be only then that your ordinarily well-behaved dog will decide that this woman goes on the batshit-crazy danger list and will start to follow her. No, not follow. Stalk. Your dog will crouch like she does with squirrels, rabbits, and other small vermin and slowly make her way toward the half-naked lady walking down the beach. You will be forced to embarrassedly stage-whisper, “Holly! Holly Grace! Get back here! Stop following her! YOU’RE ONLY ENCOURAGING HER.”

    But all in all, this is minor compared to passing out on the beach and running after loose dogs who WON’T EVEN GET IN THE WATER. Seriously. I would’ve thrown the biggest hissy fit. Right in front of that nude lady.

    • Oh mah gawd, why the fuck did she take off her drawers??? I think that Holly decided to stalk her because she couldn’t figure out what the fuck the woman’s problem was either and wanted to know.

  5. I started giggling uncontrollably by the time I hit the bit about the shitty umbrella. lol You poor thing. What a day. Damn I wished I could have been on the other side of the country to see that. lol

    • The umbrella was a fucking nightmare. Had I known that the dogs were going to be pussies about the water I would have thought ahead and brought a good one. (No wait, thinking ahead is not my strong suit so I probably would not have either way.)

    • I’m seriously such a dumbass that if I still had my foster kitten I probably would’ve taken him to the beach on the grounds that cats are supposed to like heat. =P

  6. Okay, I can’t stop picturing the drunken Frankenstein. FUNNY!!!

    Sorry you had such a crappy day at the beach, but hey, at least there was ice cream afterwards! 🙂

  7. Aw, c’mon! You know you still had a good time! A sh**ty day at the beach with your dumbass dogs is still better than a sh**ty day in the office!

    But seriously, this gives me more reason not to have KIDS. If one can barely manage two dogs, why on earth would you do it with things that talk (whine) back?!

    • Oh fine I’ll admit that it was better than being at work. (Though at the time I might have disagreed.)

      And I think kids might be a wee bit easier since they don’t have twice as many legs as you do and can therefore easily outpace you running down the beach.

  8. This reminds me of the day we took our “well trained” dog to the beach
    I was 8 months pregnant and whale size. Hubby decided that well trained dog could be let off the leash…dog took off, hubby after it…me, I waddled for a bit and gave up.
    Dogs at the beach are a recipe for disaster

    • They seriously lose their shit when they get to the sand! I don’t understand it! Though brava to you for trying because at eight months pregnant I would be nowhere near excessive sun and heat since it would turn me into an uncomfortable fire-breathing bitch.

  9. Ha you’re are a star for trying. And you know your dogs loved it, even if it was a little trying for you. I can’t get the drunken Frankenstein image out of my head …

  10. In the choose-your-own-adventure version of this post, the dogs would go in the water, but only to try and herd his or her people, and swim circles around them until the point of drowning, at which point your have to haul all 60 panting pounds of dog back to the beach, only to have him run right back because the herd! They are still in the water!

    Then your car gets to smell like wet dog for the next two hundred years.

  11. Oh my gosh, I’m dying of laughter!! That was so hysterical. I love the picture of them at the end…they look like, ‘what the heck WAS that?’ Ha ha ha. I especially loved the hottest day of the year bonus.

    I took Kodi on a hike to lake Michigan. Not the ocean, but still huge. He wants nothing whatsoever to do with water, except to look at it. My friend’s dog was splashing and playing and Kodi sat on the beach, eying the sea gulls he was planning on killing. We crazy mommas wanting ‘experiences’ for our dogs 🙂

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