Game of Exterminators: A Song of Puns and Ants

Last week I discovered that a colony of ants had decided to squat in my bedroom window. These ants are not the cute l’il teeny ones that are guilty of not much more than ruining your picnic either; these are giant motherfucking evil looking creatures that freak me the fuck out. Seriously. I am not a squeamish person but there is just something about these ants that send me into berzerker frenzy.

rage i hate ants

The last time that these fuckers had ventured into my room was in May and I thought that I had killed the colony since I had sprayed so much ant spray into the woodwork around the window that I nearly killed myself but then as I was working in my room last week I started to hear some sort of odd crackling near my window.

(Actually I think one of the things that sets me stupid about these ants is that I can hear them under the wood.)

I looked over in dread and sure enough there was an ant shaking his ass at me–who was soon joined by more ants who grabbed their crotches and flipped me the bird. I freaked out again and went on a spray frenzy but I had unfortunately used the majority of the spray in my last rage, and while I killed the ants that were doing the Harlem Shake on my sill, I didn’t feel safe from seeing an encore performance later.

I originally wanted to burn the house down but my mother convinced that an exterminator would work just as well. Since I have deadlines and am still covering at my “part time” job she took over finding an exterminator and setting up an appointment.

I came home on Saturday and was told that the exterminator had come and sprayed while I was at my other job.

“They’re Carpenter Ants,” my mother told me.

I nodded. “I could tell by the way they were singing Superstar at all hours.”**

“And it was a pain in the ass to find an exterminator. You would think that they would be under ‘E’ for ‘exterminator’ but they’re not.” (My mother still uses a phone book.)
“They’re under ‘P’ for ‘pest control’,” she clarified.

“I see. And what was the name of the company?”

“Able Pest Control.”

“Oh. I was hoping that they were named Lannister,” I replied.

“What? Why?” my mother asked.

“Because a Lannister always sprays for pests!” I howled with laughter at my own wittiness.

My brother happened to overhear this conversation and told me that I should beat myself for such a terrible pun.
a lannister always, game of thrones, tyrion

And that was the highlight of my weekend.
(I’m not even being facetious, that amused me for several hours.)

25 thoughts on “Game of Exterminators: A Song of Puns and Ants

  1. No! Please! Make the puns stop!!!

    We had to call in an exterminator last year for multiple pest problems. He got rid of everything… except for the ants. Over time, we all just learned to tolerate each other, I guess.

    • If they were only small ants then I MIGHT have learned to tolerate them. (Probably not.) But these fuckers are so freaky, huge and EVIL looking that it wasn’t happening.

  2. Ha! I think that’s clever. Now lets hope the ants don’t gang up w the exterminator to stab you in the middle of the night whilst whispering “The Lannisters send their regards.”

    Lannisters are dirty traitors (and I love them all).

  3. I’ve had to deal with ants before. I’d get rid of ’em and they’d show up some place else. Drove me batshit crazy. Then I move home and my couch attracts mice into it. At least I didn’t actually see any mice, just their many storage piles. (we had started to wonder how the dog was eating so much food . . . )

    • My parents had a mouse once and let me tell you what a charming time that was given that we had two West Highland Terriers at the time. Terriers–you know, the dogs who were trained to detain rodents and won’t shut the fuck up until their master kills it?

  4. Hilarity. I love your horrible puns. I’d have laughed my ass off with you had I been there for it. Ants don’t freak me out too badly but finding spiders while moving my furniture…that I almost lost my shit over. Those fuckers have been hiding just waiting to eat my face while I sleep. I knew it. I freaking knew it. *shivers*

    • Spiders don’t bother–I actually think they’re kind neat but I’m weird like that–and I’m not squeamish about bugs but I’m telling you that there is something unholy about these creatures. I’m still tempted to burn the house down.

  5. I have no idea what Lannisters are (will I have to google it?) but I hate ants in the house with a passion. But black ants are better than white ants (termites) those are evil little demons determined to destroy your entire life

    • Oh no, the exterminator checked the house and we have termites in the garage. He’s coming back today to get rid of those assholes.

      (Game of Thrones reference. đŸ˜‰ )

  6. Lannister?? Pray tell! I know which ants you speak of, we get them here in Africa also. Well, we get tree ants. They hang out in large menacing gangs and they’re about the size of your HAND!*

    * Slight exaggeration.

    • The exterminator thinks that these came from the huge tree which branches hang over the house and touch the roof in a few places. Maybe they are the same thing??? They are nearly as large as my hand!!

  7. Ugh, no. If you can hear them crackling, that is a bug invasion! Awful. I remember when I was little we used to get FLYING ants every year. I still get the chills thinking about them.

    Loved the awful puns đŸ™‚ I am so glad I started watching Game of Thrones this year so I knew what the heck you were talking about!

  8. So this has nothing to do with pests at all or ants doing the harlem shake on your windowsill or the fact that once we were overrun by giant black ants as a kid and my friend and I spent an afternoon trapping them under plastic cups because we were too good-hearted or lazy to kill them and by the end my kitchen looked like a giant city of dixie cup-dwelling Lilliputians had taken up residence in my home. no, this is not about that. this is about the fact that after three seasons and many false starts, Derrick is FINALLY ready to read the source material for GOT (and in his defense, he does have to read a crapton of sciency things for work, and it’s hard to justify not reading a new study to read about a mythical land of dragons and kings and ice-zombies, something I don’t QUITE understand because in my opinion ice-zombies trump everything, but I digress)….so he’s finally willing to read the source material but…only if I read it to him. In our defense, yes that’s lame and awfully couple-y, but it’s also kind of awesome because we scream or laugh or want to stab the book into a thousand pieces at the same time. so it should take us oh, ten years to finish it. but it will be the BEST TEN YEARS EVER.

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