That Awkward Moment When You Want To Maim Someone and Buy a Hat Instead

Remember that time you were invited to a Derby themed bridal shower and you went to print out the gift card from their online registry and found that your hamburger-humper of a brother had used all of the ink in your printer and you didn’t have any choice but to break your vow about never going in a store that ended in “Mart” unless it was to burn it down to buy ink and then have your patience severely tested by a total fucking asshole?

Oh wait, no that was me.

My mother and I had a bridal shower to attend yesterday morning and in true Kat fashion I waited until the last minute to get our gift. In my defense I’m busy as a motherfuck and it also should have been very simple since the couple had only registered for gifts for their honeymoon so it was only supposed to be placing an order online and printing the gift receipt to put in a card.

(Don’t try to fathom this kind of registry–it belongs in a world where bridal showers have themes and the hors d’heurves are lobster tails and I feel like friggin’ E.T. whenever I visit.)

But of course nothing is ever that easy and so I discovered at 8am on a Sunday morning when no stores are open that I was out of ink. The shower was at 11am so I had to go to the one place that was open: K-Mart. My only hope was that most of the morons of the world would still be asleep.


After nearly being hit in the parking lot by a jackass driving across the parking space to beat me to a parking spot, I made it into the store. I grabbed my ink and was making my way to the check-out when I passed the accessories section. We had been informed on the shower invitation to wear “our fanciest Derby hats” and even though I was originally going to be a brat and wear my Wonder Woman baseball hat, I decided to play nice and grabbed a hat for my mother and me.

There was only one register opened and already three people waiting when I reached the check-out but luckily the first two people moved quickly. And then came the third person. I knew he was going to be an asshole when he dumped a pocketful of change on the counter as the cashier scanned his item.

“6.40 please,” she told him.fucking angry

The fuckface gestured at the pile of change. “Count it out,” he grunted.

The poor girl sorted the pile and informed him that he needed another two dollars so he pulled out a crumpled dollar bill and another pile of change that she was forced to count.

“You still need fifteen cents,” she said meekly. She sounded so sorry that I wanted to slam the guy’s head on the counter for making the girl feel so uncomfortable besides wasting my time.

The guy rummaged around in his shorts for a few moments and then shrugged. “I gotta run back to my crib and get some more,” he finally told her.

My first thought was that there are approximately twenty-two and a half feet of intestine in a human being so if I yanked his out through his nostril I would have more than enough to strangle him with it, but then I thought of the girl at the register and how she would have to void his sale and then have to go through this again when the asshole came back.

“Here!” I finally snapped digging in my bag and producing a quarter.

The girl gave me a grateful look while the motherfucking douchebag asswipe who I had just helped walked away with his bag and didn’t even look at me much less say thank you.

“You’re a really nice person,” the girl told me smiling as she rang up my two hats.

“No I’m not,” I snarled. “I’m a bitch and I’m going to run him over when I see him in the parking lot.”

The girl laughed.

And I sighed.

It’s impossible to be terrifying when you’re buying two frilly Derby hats.


Three quick things:
I sound like a broken record but I’m still crazy busy, in fact I’m covering at my “part time” job and working doubles. The good news though is that kickassness is happening, but I’m waiting because it warrants a post of its own. Stay tuned for awesomeness that will probably include putting a Wonder Woman crown on my dog.

wonder woman, eskimo dog, wonder eskimo


21 thoughts on “That Awkward Moment When You Want To Maim Someone and Buy a Hat Instead

  1. I hate having to watch a checkout person suffer at the hands of assholes like this.

    “My first thought was that there are approximately twenty-two and a half feet of intestine in a human being so if I yanked his out through his nostril I would have more than enough to strangle him with it.”

    It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who thinks like this. Not sure if that makes it “normal” or “socially acceptable” but at least I’m not alone.

    • If it’s not socially acceptable to plan the demise of a total fuckface then I don’t want to be acceptable. There’s just no excuse to be a dick like that.

  2. What a fucking asshat that guy was. I had people count out their own change when I worked retail, but luckily they weren’t totally rude. But you still feel like an ass when you have other customers who are obviously annoyed and you can’t do anything. I hope he chokes on a pickle.

    • If he had counted out his own damnn change I would have been annoyed but not furious. When he treated the girl like she was his fucking servant then the pickle choking wish came into play.

  3. Okay, I have to say this: The comic with the guy saying the F Bomb makes me giggle every time I look at it. I’m not really sure why, but thanks for posting it. 🙂

    I don’t know, I kinda hope that guy ran face first into a brick wall on his way out of the store. Just a broken nose, minor concussion. You know, nothing lethal, just painful.

    • It makes me laugh too. ^_^ I think it’s because that’s how I am where I just explode and usually have to settle for screaming FUCK! instead of nunchucking someone. ;-P


    And can we talk about showers? Worst fucking invention in the world. Seriously. The. Worst. “Let’s play an awkward game! Let’s play eight awkward games! Let’s watch in silence while the person opens every. single. present! Let’s wear frilly fucking hats!” NO. If I EVER have or host a shower I’m just going to drink beer and grill for everyone while THEY drink beer. There will be no games. There will be no pretense. AND THERE WILL BE NO FUCKING HATS.

    • Oh Nicki my love you would have liked part of this shower though–the “wishing well” (a fucking stupid shower institution) was to collect booze instead of the usual cleaning supplies.

    • I love Nicki’s plan and I’ll be sorely upset if I don’t get an invite. Well, not sorely, but I do love drinking beer and anything grilled. Love it so, so, so-so-so much. And you guys, too.

      Agreed – I hate showers. And ridiculous registries. I’ve been to a few that I was grateful to see people and happy for my bride-to-be friend, but I’ve YET to be to one that wasn’t at least kind of awkward. Obviously, I skipped out on the whole thing because opening presents in front of people while my future mother-in-law squawked the whole time about how “busy” she is and my friends ate finger sandwiches wondering when the real food was coming… I can’t imagine doing so in a stupid hat. After a rough morning. In K-Mart.

      I totally chuckled in my office reading this because you handled it with the usual Kat “klass” I’d expect no less of… and Kianwi below is so right, people who mistreat salesfolks just doing their jobs will end up in a special section of hell.

      Positive vibes are coming your way, my lady. I really hope things start to work out for you soon because you’ve been working so hard!!! I’m sure it helps having the most adorable Wonder Eskimo to assist you, though. 🙂

  5. Ergh, so annoying! I can’t stand people that mistreat sales people (or anyone in the customer relations field). And I really can’t believe he didn’t even acknowledge that you gave him money! Sure, it was only 15 cents, but come on.

    You really should post a picture of your hat, although it would be hard to beat wonder dog for cuteness 🙂

    • I’ve had people give me a fucking nickle and practically broke down in tears with thanks. This shitface had some sense of expecting people to do for him and I STILL want to kick his fucking ass.

      A few pics are on FB! =)

  6. I can’t decide if it would be awesome to be out places with you and getting to say “Cool, she’s about to beat this guy down,” or if it would be awful to always be saying, “crap, she’s getting us into another fist-fight.” 😉

    The answer is obvious though, lol

  7. MAN what a dick that man was. DID you get him in the parking lot, did you? Very much looking forward to the kickarseness and awesomeness that’s coming. Feels like I must get myself a hat in readiness.

  8. Themed showers haven’t made their way into my social circle yet; although my MOH is considering doing a Star Wars themed shower for me just so we can be amused, if nothing else. I suspect fiance’s mother would be unhappy if we didn’t have a shower, which is really the only reason we’re doing one.

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