Everclear and Preparation H

If you’re scratching your head already at the title then let me blow your mind a little more by telling you that this is yet another post that has to do with my dog.

Welcome to my life.

The day after the Waterworld disaster in my kitchen–(it’s funny how I added “disaster” after Waterworld, isn’t it? As if it wasn’t already understood that anything referencing a Kevin Costner film is a disaster)–my brother mentioned to me that Kira kept scooting around the carpet. He thought that it was gross yet hilarious, while I on the other hand thought that it was gross yet upsetting because I knew that this meant that there was something wrong with her rear end, namely that she needed to have her anal glands expressed.

ocd dog

I feel their pain.

If you’re a dog owner then you are already familiar with this most pleasant aspect of dog care and if you are not then I’m not going to traumatize you with the disgusting explanation. Either way I’m going to skip over the wretched details and flash forward to this weekend when Kira was continuing to scoop despite no longer having a clinical reason to do this because, you see, my dog has friggin’ OCD. The problem with this obsessive compulsive scooting was that she was starting to really irritate herself. (Again going to skip the details though my brother nearly busted a gut and managed to take a picture of me wrestling with Kira to examine her rear AND NO I AM NOT SHARING IT HERE BECAUSE YOU ARE ALREADY WAY TOO JEALOUS OF MY ROCKSTAR LIFE.)

My mother luckily helped to hold Kira still as I inflicted this indignation on her. “Maybe you should put some Preparation H on her,” my mother said.

“Is there any in the house?” I asked because despite my variety of health issues, I have never had the need for such a medication. (And that’s your TMI moment for today, peeps.)

“I don’t think so. Dad used witch hazel.”

“Oh this is going to be fun,” I sneered, “buying hemorrhoid cream for my dog.”

My mother rolled her eyes. “It’s not a big deal. A lot of people need it.”

“But I do not! People are going to think I have ass problems!” I whined because that’s how mature I am.

“People aren’t going to think anything!” my mother insisted.

“Yes they will!” I said, again demonstrating incredible poise and maturity. Then a light went on in my brain and I gasped with glee. “Oh wait! They could just think that I’m a cokehead!”

“What?” My mother gave me her usual incredulous look.

“Yeah, cokeheads put Preparation H in their nostrils to reduce the swelling from snorting that shit,” I told her.

“How do you even know that?” she shook her head.

“How do you not?” I asked. I paused for a second. “Actually you’re right, I don’t know how I know that, but that’s the fun of living in my brain; even I don’t know what I’m going to say until it flies out of my face.”

“So you would rather someone thought you were on drugs than you had hemorrhoids,” Mumma grimaced.

“Yes. Though to be fair many people already assume that I am.”

preparation h, old adsAfter consulting with a retired vet though it was decided that hydrocortisone would be a better option. Unfortunately I was out of this, so I had to run to the store anyway. While I was picking up the hydrocortisone I remembered that I needed to get dental wipes for Kira’s teeth, too. After the nightmare of her dental cleaning I’m taking pains to keep her teeth healthy.

I picked up the jar of doggy dental wipes, looked at the list of ingredients and then placed it back on the shelf met my mother at the checkout.

“We have to stop at the liquor store,” I told her. “I need some Everclear.”

My mother looked at me since she knew that after my Smurf adventure I was never, ever touching that shit again.

“It’s for Kira.”

Again she just looked.

“Yes I was going to get her dental wipes but the ingredients were water and grain alcohol, so I’ll just get her some Everclear.”

“Preparation H and Everclear,” my mother shook her head. “You really are living like a rockstar.”

“My dog is anyway.”

(AFTER NOTE: I did not give my dog Everclear.)

(AFTER NOTE 2: I have since been told that people also use Preparation H is also used for wrinkles which resulted it another discussion about how I knew that drug addicts shove it up their nose but not that people use it for that.)

Also if you want to see the rockstar Kira in action, here is our latest (and last) BarkBox video:

23 thoughts on “Everclear and Preparation H

  1. I don’t know if Kodi has ever resorted to scooting, because thank God his anal glands express themselves.

    But, one of my cats occasionally scoots! It’s really annoying, because she literally leaves a streak on the carpet. Then I have to wrestle with my cat to clean off her rear. Yep, I have a glamorous life over here, too!

    I love seeing Kira paw at you for attention, and then paw the treats. She meant business! My hesitation with Barkbox has been the toys, too. Kodi LOVES stuffed animal squeek toys, but that’s it. He doesn’t play with any other kind. And he’s super picky about treats. Shocking, I know. 🙂

  2. Just so you know, as I was watching the video, my 3-year-old daughter kept touching the screen and saying “Awwww, cute doggies!” 🙂

  3. Ugh-commented from my phone and of course it isn’t showing up! Grr.

    I have no words for even considering giving Kira smurf lol. I have to demand that you send me the picture of yourself going after Kira. haha.

    That being said I got a new everclear recipe that apparently tastes like apple pie. Watch out!! 😉

  4. You know, I’d really hate to have to buy Preparation H as well. I’d really hate for complete strangers to even THINK I have ass problems. lol

  5. One thing about having children, nothing embarrasses you anymore. And hemorrhoid cream is less embarrassing than worming tablets and head lice shampoo.

  6. I’m just thankful that for having 4 dogs, that only 1 of them has gland problems from time to time. Otherwise I might kill myself.

    Also, mine are a lot like yours, in that they always want what the other has. Give them all bones, and they’ll spend half of their time stealing each other’s, back and forth, back and forth.

    I saw your news on FB, and I’m just excited to see a post about the new fur baby…

    • In all my years of dog companionship this is the first time I’ve experienced it. Not anxious to revisit it.
      New fur baby post coming up. =)

  7. Can’t you buy Preparation H online? Isn’t that the whole POINT of online shopping? So we can buy our sex toys and embarrassing medication in peace??

  8. I recently saw “Anal Expressions” listed on the services that my vet offers and was very confused.

    Until I looked it up online.

    I’m no longer confused. But very scared.

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