If you’re scratching your head already at the title then let me blow your mind a little more by telling you that this is yet another post that has to do with my dog.
Welcome to my life.
The day after the Waterworld disaster in my kitchen–(it’s funny how I added “disaster” after Waterworld, isn’t it? As if it wasn’t already understood that anything referencing a Kevin Costner film is a disaster)–my brother mentioned to me that Kira kept scooting around the carpet. He thought that it was gross yet hilarious, while I on the other hand thought that it was gross yet upsetting because I knew that this meant that there was something wrong with her rear end, namely that she needed to have her anal glands expressed.
If you’re a dog owner then you are already familiar with this most pleasant aspect of dog care and if you are not then I’m not going to traumatize you with the disgusting explanation. Either way I’m going to skip over the wretched details and flash forward to this weekend when Kira was continuing to scoop despite no longer having a clinical reason to do this because, you see, my dog has friggin’ OCD. The problem with this obsessive compulsive scooting was that she was starting to really irritate herself. (Again going to skip the details though my brother nearly busted a gut and managed to take a picture of me wrestling with Kira to examine her rear AND NO I AM NOT SHARING IT HERE BECAUSE YOU ARE ALREADY WAY TOO JEALOUS OF MY ROCKSTAR LIFE.)
My mother luckily helped to hold Kira still as I inflicted this indignation on her. “Maybe you should put some Preparation H on her,” my mother said.
“Is there any in the house?” I asked because despite my variety of health issues, I have never had the need for such a medication. (And that’s your TMI moment for today, peeps.)
“I don’t think so. Dad used witch hazel.”
“Oh this is going to be fun,” I sneered, “buying hemorrhoid cream for my dog.”
My mother rolled her eyes. “It’s not a big deal. A lot of people need it.”
“But I do not! People are going to think I have ass problems!” I whined because that’s how mature I am.
“People aren’t going to think anything!” my mother insisted.
“Yes they will!” I said, again demonstrating incredible poise and maturity. Then a light went on in my brain and I gasped with glee. “Oh wait! They could just think that I’m a cokehead!”
“What?” My mother gave me her usual incredulous look.
“Yeah, cokeheads put Preparation H in their nostrils to reduce the swelling from snorting that shit,” I told her.
“How do you even know that?” she shook her head.
“How do you not?” I asked. I paused for a second. “Actually you’re right, I don’t know how I know that, but that’s the fun of living in my brain; even I don’t know what I’m going to say until it flies out of my face.”
“So you would rather someone thought you were on drugs than you had hemorrhoids,” Mumma grimaced.
“Yes. Though to be fair many people already assume that I am.”
After consulting with a retired vet though it was decided that hydrocortisone would be a better option. Unfortunately I was out of this, so I had to run to the store anyway. While I was picking up the hydrocortisone I remembered that I needed to get dental wipes for Kira’s teeth, too. After the nightmare of her dental cleaning I’m taking pains to keep her teeth healthy.
I picked up the jar of doggy dental wipes, looked at the list of ingredients and then placed it back on the shelf met my mother at the checkout.
“We have to stop at the liquor store,” I told her. “I need some Everclear.”
My mother looked at me since she knew that after my Smurf adventure I was never, ever touching that shit again.
“It’s for Kira.”
Again she just looked.
“Yes I was going to get her dental wipes but the ingredients were water and grain alcohol, so I’ll just get her some Everclear.”
“Preparation H and Everclear,” my mother shook her head. “You really are living like a rockstar.”
“My dog is anyway.”
(AFTER NOTE: I did not give my dog Everclear.)
(AFTER NOTE 2: I have since been told that people also use Preparation H is also used for wrinkles which resulted it another discussion about how I knew that drug addicts shove it up their nose but not that people use it for that.)
Also if you want to see the rockstar Kira in action, here is our latest (and last) BarkBox video: