Kira features a lot because she is "my" dog, but we do however have our "family" dog named Lily. Unlike Kira, Lily is very friendly and easygoing and 99.5% of the time is perfectly well-behaved, so she also doesn't give me as much story material as does my Brat-skimo.
There is of course that .5% though...
 |
| Lily. She looks so innocent. |
As soon as the vet arrived at the house, Kira began barking her face off. I explained Kira's history to the vet and that, while I was having both dogs examined, Kira was the reason that I was trying an in-house visit. The vet suggested that she examine Lily first thinking that if Kira saw that Lily was okay that she wouldn't be as scared. This sounded like a good idea at the time.
Lily trotted over to the vet, sniffing and wagging her tail, and didn't object when the vet picked her up. Lily did begin to shake a little when she was placed on the mobile table but stayed fairly still as the vet examined her. She did begin to squirm when it was time to have her blood drawn but the vet tech held her still without too much fuss. I went over to praise Lily whenever I could but unfortunately Kira's barking only got worse when she saw the vet handling her Lily and it was all that I could do to keep her quiet. Even after I gated Kira in the other room she was causing a rucus. Finally the vet was finished except she said that Lily's nails needed to be cut. I have tried many a time to cut Lily's nails, but unlike Kira who I trained since puppyhood to hold still for a pedicure, Lily fights so furiously that I can't do it. I told the vet to go for it but I would understand if she wasn't able to trim Lily's nails.
The vet picked up the nail clippers and I actually saw the words "Oh hell no!" form in Lily's eyes. She immediately began squirming, thrashing and putting up such a fight that you would think that the vet was trying to cut her paws off. The vet tech was nearly laying on top of Lily to hold her still and it still wasn't working. The vet suggested that she hold Lily in her arms and the tech cut the nails since she was faster. Lily squirmed furiously but the vet held her tightly enough that the tech trimmed her two front paws fairly quickly. HOWEVER, the moment that the vet tech moved to touch Lily's back paws, Lily lost control of her bowels. This is unfortunately not unusual for an animal to do under stress. What is unusual though is for the animal to lose her bowels with such fervor that the poo becomes airborne and hits the vet tech in the chest.
That's right, friends: my dog projectile shat.
She apparently has missles in her ass and fired two at the tech as soon as she was within range.
The vet, the tech and I and just stared at each other for a moment during which Lily--who was apparently quite pleased with herself--held still. Would that we had taken that opportunity to finish the pedicure because at that moment Kira broke through the baby gate in an attempt to save her Lily and all hell broke lose. Lily redoubled her squirming efforts, Kira barked and galloped around the table, and I began to calcuate just how much Tequila I was going to need after this was over.
The answer was "a lot".
And the real kicker of it? When it was Kira's turn to be examined, despite being in her own home, she still screamed like a fucking banshee when the vet touched her.
Verdict? Number 26 on The List of Shameless Shit: Make a mistake.
By the by, here is January's BirchBox Blooper video where Kira features though not in the way I intended. Mostly I sneeze a lot.
Ah, dogs (and cats for that matter). Most adorable, but furiously shameless. It certainly makes for good conversation.
ReplyDeleteOh, and hey. About your button. I have it up on my blog but could it be that something with the HTML code isn't right? When I click on your button I get redirected to my own blog. I'm pretty sure that's not your intention.
I often tell both of my dogs that it's a good thing that they're cute because they're BRATS!
DeleteThanks so much for letting me know about the button! I'm sure I did something to fuck it up when I was switching stuff around for the super peeps section, so I'll take a look at it.
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI've never seen projectile shit unless it was diarrhea. Wow. That's amazing. I mean terrible.
OMG there would not have been enough Tequila in the world if it had been diarrhea. I thank Lily for small favors!
DeleteOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMG. I cannot tell you how loud I laughed. In my office. Oh god. Why do I read your blog at work? Why?!? It's after hours, sure, but THERE ARE STILL PEOPLE HERE! AND I'M READING ABOUT PROJECTILE POO!
ReplyDeleteAND I'M LAUGHING AT PROJECTILE POO!
haaaaaaaaahahahhahahhahahahhaa.
Reading my blog is dangerous mostly because when people laugh, then others ask what they are laughing ABOUT and then it becomes shady. (I often get comments like this re: the worst smut post.)
DeleteHAHAHHAHA your poor traumatized dogs. And vet.
ReplyDeletePoor traumatized ME!
DeleteI don't blame Lily a bit. She told the tech no, and he didn't respect her boundaries. And so he got shat on. It might be a good method for women in a bar with a persistant guy they're not interested in...shit on him and he will surely leave you alone :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I just have to tell you, when I was watching the video and Kira barked...Kodi titled his head. It IS true love!
That's true, I mean "no" means "NO!", right?
DeleteAND OMG THAT'S ADORABLE ABOUT KODI!!! PUPPY LOVE!!
Wow. Just...wow. That's all I can think of to say. That .5% is pretty potent! :)
ReplyDeleteIt certainly is! She doesn't NEED that 99.5 to be bad!
DeleteHaha that poor vet. Sadie freaks out at the vet too, but is actually pretty good when I cut her nails.
ReplyDeleteKira is the same way: very good when I cut her nails but awful with the vet. I'm just still a bit stunned that Lily hated having her nails done THAT much though.
DeleteHahaha! I empathize SO MUCH. And what fun discovering your pups' magical powers, EHHH??? Thanks for the laugh!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are welcome, shweet heart. ;)
DeleteThat is hilariously terrible. I've never been projectile shat on. All of my dogs are relatively good when they need their teeth brushed, nails clipped, etc. Then again, I do that myself. No guarantees they wouldn't fire missiles if someone else did it.
ReplyDeleteKira is very good with all of those things, but I trained her from a puppy. Lily is well-behaved but spoiled in that regard because my mother let her run around like a wild beast as a youngun.
DeleteI just don't understand how this dog possibly knows when a person–a new person, a stranger–is a vet. Is it the white coat? Is it the stethoscope? (Do dog doctors have stethoscopes like human doctors do? DO DOGS HAVE HEARTBEATS?) I somehow feel sorry for Kira in all of this.
ReplyDelete(Oh, hello! Friend of Celia G's.)
Hello FoG! =D Well met! And I feel HORRIBLE for Kira and seriously need a xanax before a vet trip with her. I was really hoping that the in-house visit wouldn't terrify her so.
DeleteYou know, sometimes I fire shit-missles at people too. I mean, it's a great way to fend off an attacker (or Jehovah's Witnesses).
ReplyDeleteTalk about a weapon of mass destruction!
DeleteHa oh Lily. I'm such a fan of hers now also. Poor you. Poor Vet. But mostly, poor Kira and Lily. Kira actually screams??? Bless.
ReplyDeleteScreams. It doesn't sound like an animal at all but like you are torturing a human and it's horrible.
DeleteLily is happy for the new fan. ;)
Okay, you win the Vet Stress Test. I can't top projectile shatting.
ReplyDeleteOur older dog hates getting her nails clipped so much, that every six months or so I have to have the vet totally sedate her, knocked out cold, to grind her nails. I then hold her head like a a college drunk while she comes off the anesthesia. I am so proud.
The cat, she's the wild child, has frowny face stickers on her chart for biting. I warn the techs every time I bring her in, but no... they know how to handle aggressive animals they say. Serves them right, they were warned.