I’m a Disaster Area But I Make Up For It With Cute Dogs

The other day The Bloggess tweeted that she had fallen off of the self-harm wagon, and that she was having issues with ICD. A number of people responded with questions about what ICD stands for. Some attempted at being clever and others were genuinely puzzled about the acronym. For those of you that don’t know, ICD stands for Impulse Control Disorder. You’ll notice if you read the definition that self-harm is an “other form of ICD”. It then occurred to me that ICD is an oxymoron. And it was surely a moron with a fancy PhD in Psychiatry who came up with the term while he or she sat on the outside and tried to categorize the mess that people like I sludge through at any given moment.

anxiety girlFor many of us I don’t think that self-harm is an impulse control disorder because the problem isn’t so much the control, it’s about the impulse in the first place. Truthfully I have the best fucking impulse control in the world because for every stupid, manic thing that I’ve thought or done there are at least fifty that I don’t act on. A normal person doesn’t have the impulse to hurt themselves. They don’t know what it’s like to have to fight something that you intellectually know is incorrect but that your basic instinct is telling you is right. Logically I know that slapping myself during a panic attack shouldn’t make me feel better, but Jiminy Cricket’s evil twin who sits on my shoulder assures me that it will.

And the awful thing is that sometimes it does.

For a split second the sting in my cheek makes me forget the war raging in my brain, the irratic pounding in my chest. Unfortunately the moment passes all too soon and it’s followed by the return of all of the symptoms of my panic attack only made that much worse by the guilt and anger that I did something so stupid. You would think that the memory of the guilt and anger would keep me from hurting myself again, but of course it wouldn’t. Because I have ICD.

I’m almost to the next step in my novel, and the best way I can describe the feeling is that it’s like being in gym class when your asshole gym teacher makes you run the mile dash even though you forgot your inhaler and your almost to the end and you feel like your heart is laughing hysterically but nothing’s coming out of your mouth because you can’t breathe and all you can think is how much it would suck to collapse this close to finishing and silently telling that teacher that she’s a fucking cunt. And you hardly ever, ever use that term.

On top of this Kira has to have dental surgery on Thursday. I made light of how traumatic it is to take Kira to the vet and turned it into a funny anecdote because that’s what I do, but in truth it’s a challenge to not cry hysterically when Kira screams at the vet. On top of her screams though, I have the terror that something will happen during the surgery. I know she will be fine–I know this–but we’ve already established that the logical portion and the emotional portion of my brain are woefully disconnected.

Also the hard drive on my fucking shitty computer is going which isn’t stressing me as much as you would think, but it’s pissing me off that I have to waste time trying to figure out what to do about a replacement.

So that’s where I’ve been up to for the past two weeks. I did however make this month’s BirchBox Unboxing video and the bloopers video, but the big news was that Kira and Lily got their first BARKBOX.

18 thoughts on “I’m a Disaster Area But I Make Up For It With Cute Dogs

  1. First, although we are so different, I also continue to find we have a lot common. And second, you are so much braver than I am. I have had a post sitting in my computer on self-harm for a while now, but am too chicken to publish it.

    I’m sorry you’ve been having a rough time. One thing I know, Kira will be fine! Kodi will send all of his good boyfriend vibes to her during her surgery. She is going to be stunning with her sparkly new teeth and only a little pissed from the experience.

    And you are not a disaster.

    • The only brave thing about these posts is that they’re not popular. =P I don’t think it’s brave of me otherwise because I didn’t have to overcome any fear to post this; I am what I am and I don’t care if people think less of me for admitting a weakness.

      Tell Kodi that I so appreciate his boyfriend vibes and will post a pic of his girlfriend’s pretty new smile for him. =)

      (I think I kinda am.)

    • I will repeat…you are not a disaster! One of the things I’ve struggled with is self hate and negative thoughts about myself. I now try, when I am hating on myself, to do the whole ‘thought stopping’ deal and say, ‘that’s not helpful.’ I don’t always focus on saying that, if I am lost in a sea of self-loathing, but a sea of self-loathing can quickly lead to drowning and self harm for me. So I try to avoid swimming there đŸ™‚


  2. I missed the bloggess’ tweet, but I’m so glad I didn’t miss this post. I’m not well educated on ICD at all and it was very enlightening – I’m sorry you’re going through it! And also, that kira had to go to the vet. Boooo.

    • Thanks, love. I don’t think I would have even bothered with a post about it except that it seemed that so many people had never heard of ICD and what it’s like.

  3. Coming to you from the Bloggess. I feel the same way when my dogs have to go under anesthesia. I sit in the parking lot, crying for a while. And I don’t have any mental health issues so you aren’t alone.
    I did want to suggest something to you that has helped my Tallulah. She isn’t nearly as anxious as your baby, but she does get distressed when she goes alone to the vet. I use a calming spray from the Blissful Dog before the drive to the vet and again when we get there. It’s an aromatherapy thing. Now I doubt that your girl would get any relief from the spray because she goes beyond anxiety. My vet did suggest that Tallulah start taking melatonin for her anxiety though. T goes off at home and fights with her sister. Like cage match fighting with serious injuries on both sides. The melatonin has been helping take the edge off. Tallulah still barks at dogs on tv but it doesn’t send her into a frenzy that ends in bloodshed.
    Talk to your vet about it and dosage, if you think it might help. She’s a cutie.

    • Thanks so much for stopping by, SFP! Your profile pic made me squeee because I love pugs!

      I had heard of aromatherapy for dogs–like I saw a contraption that you can plug in and it will spray throughout the day for them. I hadn’t heard any feedback on if it worked or not but if you give it an endorsement then it may be worth a shot.

  4. I’ll be honest when I say I’d never heard of ICD before. I had to google it to learn more about what it is and what you’re dealing with. So, I can’t pretend like I know what you’re going through, but I’m sending well wishes your way and hoping for the best.

    On a brighter note, 2 of my dogs just went through a dental procedure last week, and it went really well. Keep in mind one of those dogs is an ancient Chihuahua with a few less teeth in his skull (we were worried about him going under, but he did wonderfully). Both dogs eat a lot better now, having been relieved of a bit of mouth pain. So it’s all for the best. Kira and her pearly whites will be thanking you.

  5. Do you know why I love you, Kat? Do ya? It’s because you’re willing to post stuff like this, to expose a part of yourself that’s not glamorous or frilly or shallow – so many “bloggers” out there just put pretty stuff they find on a post and call themselves writers. But YOU continue to keep it real and reach out. It’s refreshing to still read something in cyberspace with a little depth.

    My pup had some serious teeth removed recently; I about crapped a brick when I got the final bill, and of course my little one HATED me for a few days. But, in the end, it was the best (insert obscene amount of money here) I’ve spent. Audrey’s dental health has significantly improved, including a HUGE reduction in her nasty breath, and she’s eating/acting fine. Kira probably will hate you right after, but she’ll perk up soon, I promise.

  6. I know exactly how you feel about Kira having surgery. Will be sending good vibes to you both on Thursday. Great post Kat.

  7. You know, I love that you talked about ICD and self harm and then moved on to the dog’s BarkBox. Sometimes it’s nice to hear someone talk about something that can be so secretive with a sense of matter-of-factness. Your doggies are adorable, by the way! (Just like you!) đŸ™‚

  8. I had no idea what ICD was, so I can’t pretend to be an expert on the subject. But I think your hoestly is amazing and please hang in there and keep your chin up xx

  9. I don’t know if you read Jen from Epbot, but I appreciated her “We are better than this” post. Because I don’t think it’s something you can just get over, and once you give in, you know that it worked; and even if you *do* never give in, the impulse is still very real, and it is not a one-time thing that never rears its ugly head again. But I do think we are all better than that. Or at least, I think we could be. I think it’s a matter of rewiring our brain, retraining ourselves to recognize that these urges are not helpful. They may be helpful in the short run. They might even be helpful for a longer stretch of time. But in the long run, they destroy. It’s like anything, I think: painkillers, alcohol, drugs, needles, throwing up, hurting others, hurting ourselves–they’re what we find gets us through to tomorrow. But I think that tomorrow is worse for what we used to get through it. They’re delays, that’s all, not real solutions. But when you’re just trying to pass a wretched day to get to a tomorrow, this logic becomes a lot harder to remember. And if rewiring your brain were so easy, we’d all be fucking perfect human beings that never smoked or drank or hurt ourselves.

    But at the end of the day….we are better than this.

    Hope Kira is out of surgery A-ok. I’m thinking about you.

  10. Here’s me stumbling around trying to catch up on my blog reading, so glad I didn’t miss this one. I had never heard of ICD, although I now think I know at least five people who may suffer đŸ™‚ So sorry you do, but glad to see that the ‘Kat’ in you overrides it! And you’re so right, we should never fear to be open about our ‘faults’ or ‘weaknesses’. None of us is without a few. Hooray for imperfect! xx

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