The Tale of The Flaming Buns

Okay, I admit it: I have a tendency to torture myself. Whether it’s setting my own broken hand, starving myself in a seven day detox or getting all of the hair ripped off of my nethers in a Jewish Community Center, I have a special proclivity for putting myself through some ridiculous shit. I would like to point out, however, that in every most cases I have a legit reason for torturing myself. For example I was forced by a lack of medical attention to set my own hand and the detox was bolster my health and the Brazilian wax was necessary because it was the start of swimsuit season.

See? Good reasons for insanity in all most cases. And such it is too with The Flaming Buns that I had a good reason for torturing myself.

If you’ve watched my videos on youtube then you can probably tell that I’m constantly sniffling between perpetual allergies and/or a cold. One of the things that really sucks about this–aside from the obvious abundance of snot–is that because of my cardiac issues I’m not supposed to take regular allergy or cold medicine so I usually just suffer through it. However the other day I was scrolling through Pinterest–where all good ideas come from–and I found a homeopathic cold remedy in the form of a Ginger detox bath which promised to help you sweat out your afflictions. The next thing I knew I was grabbing my keys to make a trip to the supermarket.

“Where are you going? It’s dark out!” my mother exclaimed as I headed toward the front door. (My mother is from the school of thought that females should not go out after twilight or they will surely be accosted by ghoulies, beasties and long-legged nasties.)
“To get some ground ginger,” I replied.
“Why do you need ground ginger at 9:30 at night?”
“Because I’m going to bathe in it.”
And as she is so used to doing, my mother just accepted that I had said something inane.

After aquiring the ground ginger without being kidnapped–though I told my mother that I fought off a hooligan who tried to shiv me and an old man who offered me candy–I dug the baking soda out of the cupboard and went upstairs to brew a Gingered Kat Stew.

I ran the tub full of hot water, added the ginger which turned the water a disgusting shade of brown, shook approximately a third of a cup of baking soda into the mix, eased myself into the mess, grabbed a book and let myself cook. It only took about ten minutes before I started to sweat but you’re supposed to soak for at least forty minutes to get the full effect of the ginger so I continued to soak and read my book.

Pikachu Spanking gifI’m not sure exactly when it happened but at some point I looked up from my book and realized that my ass was hot–and not “hot” as in “cute”, “hot” as in “I feel like I’m sitting in a vat of salsa”. While I had been occasionally swishing the water around in the tub, a healthy amount of the ginger had settled to the bottom and I found that I was sitting in a layer of pure ginger. I swished the water around some more but it was too late; my buns were officially on fire. It wasn’t exactly painful though so I went back to reading and sweated out the remainder of the time, however by the time I got out of the tub, my ass was numb. It was one of the most fucking bizarre sensations I have ever experienced… and of course I made worse by smacking myself and then laughing like a bloody lunatic because I didn’t feel anything when I did it and my mind instantly made a dozen filthy jokes. But aside from amusing the hell out of me, I will say that this ginger soak did actually clear up my stuffy, sniffly nose, and not only that, but I went to sleep soon after I got out of the bath and didn’t wake up once during the night, which is very rare for me.

polar plunge logoAnd in a hilarious turn of irony my next tale of maschicsm is already in the works except that instead of burning ass, I’m going to be freezing it off. Tomorrow, 1/19/13, I’m going to be jumping into the semi-freezing Atlantic Ocean with my Gal-Friday of insanity, Jewels, and my brother Mike (known on here as “Gator”). Again there is logical reason for this madness and we are not arbitrarily jumping for my hypothermic fun of it but because we joined the Polar Bear Plunge to benefit the Special Olympics. Jewels and I have already our minimum donation goals thanks to some brilliant peeps who I’ll be linking to their blogs/twitters as my featured Super Peeps next month, but my brother hasn’t reached his goal yet, so I’m extending my thanks of pimping to anyone who contributes to his goal, too. For a minimum donation of 5 bucks toward Gator’s/Mike’s goal, I’ll shout you out in the post I do about the Plunge and also have the link to your blog on my sidebar in all of its glory for thirty days (or more usually).

But before you think that I’ve gone soft and am helping my brother because I’m a nice person or something, let me clarify that by donating to my brother you are actually still helping me because if Gator/Mike doesn’t reach his goal, he can’t plunge and I will feel much better about plunging into icy water if I can look over and laugh at my brother’s freezing ass.

Finally I wanted to add that by donating, not only will you be helping me, but you will also get bragging rights that you personally helped me in my latest tale of what-the-fuckery.

How can you resist that, right?

(And this is Number 25 on the List of Shameless Shit: Ask for help.)

26 thoughts on “The Tale of The Flaming Buns

  1. “I’m not sure exactly when it happened but at some point I looked up from my book and realized that my ass was hot–and not “hot” as in “cute”, “hot” as in “I feel like I’m sitting in a vat of salsa”. “

    I started to lose it somewhere in there.

    “and of course I made worse by smacking myself and then laughing like a bloody lunatic because I didn’t feel anything when I did it and my mind instantly made a dozen filthy jokes.”

    By this time there were tears involved.

    Must. go. breathe. lol

    • The ginger actually didn’t affect the hoo-ha, I guess because I was reclining and it didn’t come in contact with the coating of ginger on the bottom of the tub. If I had been sitting Indian style, then yeah, I would have had a whole ‘nother story to share.

  2. I confess, I was wondering the same thing as Mary A.

    It sounds like a bit of a weird treatment but ginger is supposed to be good for all sorts of things and it if helped….

    Hope the dip in the ocean went well.

  3. Over from Jewels place… and so glad I did. I actually wanted to do the detox thing I saw on Pinterest, but must make mental note to not sit in ground ginger. Although my husband would likely love it… it’d be the only time he could spank me hard and get away with it. :)

  4. Glad to know I’m not the ONLY who was, uh, CONCERNED about the, uh, “hoo-hoo” situation (at: Mary A. and Mynx).

    Aside from snickering at my desk over my lunch break here, I actually did want to know that the detox worked because I have the same issues you do (well, as far as sinuses are concerned… but I’m sure you and I have many shared issues ;). Glad to hear there was at least a small silver lining! (I’m a ginger fiend and use it frequently for tummy problems!)

    Aaaaaaand I loved seeing photos from the plunge. Seriously, I’m super inspired to do it myself next year… self-torture is even more fun when it’s for charity and you get a free tshirt!

    • Ginger is excellent for tummy problems! And it really did help with the stuffiness, but I would say that I either didn’t have the water hot enough to dissolve it all or… I don’t know. This is me and it’s just typical that something would go awry. =P (Though the hoo-ha was safe as I answered in Mary’s reply ;) )

  5. Kat? Don’t hurt yourself too much or anything but do keep this stuff coming please! Ouch though, burning butt was all better the next day I hope? If not, I’m guessing the Polar Plunge finished off the cooling? I’m suffering with a cold just now, ever so slightly tempted by the promise of feeling better followed by a good nights sleep but somehow the flaming buns puts me off ..

    • The flaming buns really weren’t painful, and the benefits of not having sniffles AND a good night’s sleep are definitely worth giving it a shot, Weeza. =) Also? If you ever wanted your hubby to spank you it would be a good time to give it a shot!

  6. OHMYGOD THANK GOD YOUR HOOHA IS OKAY.

    So did the Polar Plunge soothe your flaming buns of doom? Because I’m feeling that this would be a killer way to encourage people to plunge for charity. Got an inflamed tookus? Get rid of it instantly — FOR CHARITY!

    Win-win. WIN-WIN.

  7. Oh my gosh. I was really looking for a great laugh this morning and I got it.

    Gotta be careful of those “homemade” cures. Learned that the hard way. lol.

    Your Jewish Community Center sure sounds different than mine. All I got to do was swim and play volleyball.

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