New Drivers and Old Drivers: The Reason We Can’t Have Cannons On Our Cars

I know that no one thinks that they are a bad driver, in fact, not only will no one cop to being a a bad driver but we are all convinced that we are brilliant drivers and everyone else on the road is a fucking moron. There are however two kinds of drivers on which we can all agree suck: student drivers and old drivers. You see, I take this two lane back road for much of the way to my job-that-gets-me-out-of-the-house-so-that-I-don’t-become-a-recluse and it is a veritable magnet for both of these drivers thanks to the high school where several driving schools meet, and the garden shop which draws older ladies like wrinkled bees that are both located on this road. It would be easy to just rant about both of these types of drivers, but since I am the spirit of altruism I’ve come up with solutions to both of these problem drivers that doesn’t involve lead balls and gunpowder.

New Drivers

dogs driving car

My DOG is a better driver!

Whenever I turn the corner onto that back road and see a “Student Driver” sign sticking out from the roof of a car like an obnoxious cowlick, two thoughts pop into my head. The first thought is that I kinda want to do everything I can to harass the nervous student by revving up to the tail of the their car, tail-gaiting, blowing my horn, hanging out the window and swerving.

(Don’t get all sanctimonious on me, like you’ve never thought about traumatizing a student driver.)

The second thought I have is that these student drivers are some lucky assholes! They can drive like some kind of maniac and it’s cool because “they’re learning”. It then occurred to me that I need one of these student driver signs. If I had a bright yellow sign that said “Kat’s Driving School” I could turn at illegal red lights, drive down the wrong direction on one-way streets and speed like a motherfucker, and no cops would stop me because, hey, I’m just learning officer and I promise to better next time. I’m not greedy either, so I’m even willing to take new students into my driving “school” and hook them up with a sign granted that they pass my own personal driving test. I could go over what that test entails but that’s another post entirely. Suffice to say that if you drive the way that I drive (brilliantly of course) then I’ll help you to break the road laws.

Old Drivers

old lady drivingOh Lord have mercy, where do I begin with these people. Between them leaving their turn signals blinking for ten miles and refusing to pull into traffic unless the car coming down the road is still more than five miles away, I want to bang my head on the steering wheel every time I see a car that appears to be driving itself because I know it’s being operated by a wizened old lady who is sitting on a stack of telephone books to see over the dash. Their worst sin of course is that they drive so fucking slow. I’ll admit that my impatient nature coupled with a hatred of driving in general turned me into a bit of a speed demon in my younger years, however a few speeding tickets cured me of that and I’ve try to stay below ten miles over the speed limit as an adult.*

(*The exception was when I wondered if the 120 MPH mark on my dad’s car’s speedometer was just for show or if the car could really go that fast.**)

(**FYI, the answer is that it can.)

I don’t think it’s too much to ask that a driver does the speed limit, but I’ve found that seniors like to drive at approximately half of the limit. The solution to this problem is in the senior’s car. I think that after a person turns sixty that they should only be allowed to drive cars that are shaped like a wedge with the low side face the back. This way when a senior is poking along, pulling a Gandolf and insisting that “you shall not pass!”, you can rev your car right up the back of theirs and Dukes of Hazard over that shit. They get to poke along the road and the rest of us get to make to our fucking job on time.

This concludes this latest edition of my helpful posts, and as always:

youre welcome, you are welcome

12 thoughts on “New Drivers and Old Drivers: The Reason We Can’t Have Cannons On Our Cars

  1. One of the best phrases I’ve read in a long time:

    “…pulling a Gandolf and insisting that “you will not pass!”, you can rev your car right up the back of their’s and Dukes of Hazard over that shit. They get to poke along the road and the rest of us get to make to our fucking job on time.”

    LOVE. IT. Thank you for sharing your awesome, Kat.

  2. I agree with bluenotebacker – best phrase ever.

    When I was in Florida for a short stint in college, I discovered that the poor state had to actually post “minimum speed limit” signs on their freeways. I asked my co-worker/chauffer what the hell was up with that and he explained “old people”. I laughed so hard.

  3. Texas has the minimum speed limit signs too, on the highways.

    I take a 2 lane road for more than half my commute to work. It’s 70 in parts and 55 in others. And it never fails, I get stuck behind someone whose speed never varies from 60. So I pass them in the 70 section only to be tailgated by them in the 55, or vice versa. I want to ask them if they think that’s an argument for speeding “yes, officer, I was speeding here, but I saved 10 mph the last 3 miles, so all together, I was under the limit.” Fools.

  4. Oh, my Jesus. This post made me straight laugh my ass off!!! I could not have said it better, darlin’. LOVE.IT.

    “…pulling a Gandolf and insisting that “you shall not pass!!” fucking brilliant.

  5. I’m with Jacki, et all, the Gandalf killed me. I go bat shit in my car, raging and screaming at the people in front of me. So help me if I get behind a student driver…I DO drive erratically and try to imagine their instructor saying “ignore them…focus on your driving. Let her go around you” for a solid 5 minutes and then finally turning around and yelling, “THIS BITCH IS CRAZY! WHAT IS SHE DOING! SPEED UP KID>>>WE’RE GONNA TRY THE PIT MANEUVER!” hahaha. Love it.

    You are much more rational…in the post at least.

  6. Kat, love you dude! You inspire me to write better, you have such an lovely and funny voice and you craft your writing so well. Awesome. Gandalf ha! Got me also, and I don’t drive!!

  7. I freely and willingly admit that I’m not a good driver and it’s just better for everyone if I stick to taking the bus to get where I’m going. I get impatient and aggressive when driving and it turns me into an asshole behind the wheel. I can catch up on my reading on the bus and I never have to be the designated driver ;)

  8. I get crazy behind the wheel, too. What makes things more difficult is the fact that nine times out of ten, I’ve got my kids in the car with me. If I yell at a driver, you can just go ahead and count on my three year old piping in and repeating every furious word. It still doesn’t stop me, though. Idiots are idiots. They deserve to be yelled at.

  9. My favorite’s when you see an old person driving some high end luxury sport sedan, built for speed, that could hit 160 mph easily… and they’re driving 45 in a 65 with the blinker on. Totally worth the 10 MPGs, right grandpa?

  10. I AM A BAD DRIVER. I am a bad driver because I have some ridiculous faux-PTSD shit from past accidents and I am conVINCED every driver pulling up to a stop sign is going to blow right through it and hit my car, or that every driver next to me is going to try and merge into my lane without seeing me and hit my car, or that parked cars are going to magically come to life and hit my car, or that that patch of empty road in front of me is actually some car from the future with an invisibility cloak activated and IT’S going to hit my car. Which, according to Derrick, kind of makes me a good driver, because ‘defensive driver’ doesn’t even come close to describing me behind the wheel. But I don’t think good drivers white-knuckle their way through their entire journey, so I’mma just gonna go ahead and say it: I’m a bad driver.

    Great in-car singer though. GREAT.

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