That Poor Meat-Peddling Bastard & The Evil Kat

Once again I am forced to wonder if I am the universe’s favorite plaything or whatnot.

What are the odds that when you are down in the depths of despair*, working too many hours, battling atrial tachycardia, and exhausted yet unable to sleep through the night, that you come home from work and manage to fall asleep on the couch only to be awoken by a meat delivery service trying to hawk their meat subscription service on you?

Apparently in my case, the chances are pretty fucking good.

Last week I was dozing in living room when I was roused by the doorbell ringing and the explosive barking of my dogs expressing their indignation that someone touched their doorbell. I slept-walked to the front window where I could see who was on the porch without them seeing me. I did not recognize the young man and for some reason–I’ll blame my sleep deprived brain–I decided to answer the door anyway. This is very unusual for me because I don’t open the door to strangers, not because I’m scared that they’ll kill me but because I’m scared that they will bore me.

I opened the door and the dude took a few steps back as he was greeted by two dogs snarling with all of the fury they could muster from their fifteen pound frames.

“Can I help you?” I asked him.

meat team ad“Uh yeah, I’m from CM Meats (← not their real name) and we offer a discounted meat delivery service,” he told me adjusting his hat.

I blinked at him in confusion thinking that I must be hallucinating from lack of sleep. “You’re… selling meat?”

“Yeah, you like saving money, right?” he asked revving up for his salesman spiel.

“On meat?” I was still in disbelief. You would think that with the shit that I’ve experienced that a random guy selling meat wouldn’t be that much of a mind fuck to me and yet it was.

“Yeah, we sell a wide variety of steak, seafood, chicken and pork,” he recited.

And then the evil part of my brain woke up.

“How’s your sausage?” I asked him in a low voice.

“It’s great!” he said overflowing with enthusiasm at my apparent interest. “But we only sell it as part of our pork variety case so there’s a lot of meat in there.”

“I’m sure that I could handle any amount of meat that you were interested in…unloading,” I smiled.

“The case has got pork chops, spare ribs, loin steaks and sweet Italian and sage sausage,” he continued.

“I’ve had Italian sausage, but never sage sausage,” I replied. “Though I would prefer to try it before I buy it.”

He scratched his head. “Oh sorry, we don’t have any samples.”

“That’s okay, I’ll just have to take you at your word that your sausage is as amazing as you say.”

He whipped out his clipboard and clicked his pen to begin writing. “So are you interested in any beef or chicken?”

“No, I’m a vegetarian,” I told him.

His face clouded with confusion. “But the… It’s a meat variety case. Like pork chops.”

“I’ll confess that I have no interest in chops, but if I need to buy them to get your sausage then I’ll do it,” I said. “So will you be able to give me that delivery now?”

“I…have to put in the order,” he said still looking uncertain.

The guy was obviously pretty dense and I was running out of innuendos so I crossed my arms and screwed my face into a look of annoyance. “Don’t be a sausage tease. You come to my house hawking your sausage and now you won’t give it to me? Let me be clear, I want your sausage and I want it now!”

His jaw hung open in response and he just stared at me for a moment probably taking in my knotty hair that had escaped from its hair band, the dark circles under my eyes from no sleep and my pale, anemic face.

The guy’s eyes darted around looking for an escape from the nutty nympho and he began backing away. “Sss… sorry to bother you, ma’am,” he said then turned on his heel and bolted for the safety of his truck.

I gave a very theatrical shrug and then closed the door.

I’d like to add a side note that door to door salespeople on my street are ridiculous and relentless. They do not take no for an answer and will visit your door every single day until they wear you down. Considering this and the fact that I was unable to fall back to sleep after the interruption, I feel no guilt WHATSOEVER at traumatizing the dude responsible for ruining my precious nap.

*Okay maybe it’s not that bad, but fellow “Anne of Green Gables” will appreciate the reference.

17 thoughts on “That Poor Meat-Peddling Bastard & The Evil Kat

  1. LMAO Someone selling meat door to door? Haven’t heard of that one. Loved that you messed with him like that, though. And yes, I loved the Anne of Green Gables reference. lol

  2. Had it been me knocking in your door I would’ve quickly obliged to your request for immediate sausage!

    I’ve had those meat salesmen come to my house before. Not unusual these days but when I live clear out in BFE without another house around for miles…kinda odd.

    I’ve even seen one of those meat guys staking out(pun intended) the liquor store, ready to take advantage of the drunks!

  3. That is TOTALLY not the story he told Penthouse Forum. What a fucking Liar. He said you had 3 girlfriends over, and. ..

    Anyway. Great job fucking with the meat salesman.

  4. Ha ha, that’s awesome! If I tried to pull that, I’d scare him away, alright, but it would be because I’d be trying to be all sexy, but I’d be acting like a big dork, instead 🙂

  5. I’m crying laughing because I know how true that is. That guy deserved it. haha. How dense does one need to be when a gorgeous (even if you are anemic and sleep deprived) woman wants your meat!?

  6. I am in awe that 1) door-to-door salesmen still exist, and 2) there is a MEAT one. I’m sure they’d do better if they did more of the ice cream truck approach – “Get your meat cone, get ya meat cone heyuh!” If anything you’d think they’d give the poor dolts a lesson on meat innuendos because, COME ON, they’re like the most obvious. SHEESH.

    Anyways, thank you for the entertaining read. 😀

  7. Those people come to my house! I just tell them I’m a vegetarian and they buzz off, but dammmmmmnnnnn girl, did you school me. I would NOT be able to do this with a straight face. I WOULD, however, be able to keep a straight face while filming you performing your sausage shenanigans. And then we would put it on Youtube and start a Youtube channel called KAT HASSLING SALESMEN and make a million dollars. Or at least get a million hits. Until you get so famous that the salesmen all recognize you. OR until creepy salesmen start showing up to your house hoping for a sausage offer.

    Either way. We’ll talk.

  8. Ba ha! Not sure how I missed this post but glad you added it to your 2012 review, from whence I came! I high five you from afar, you scared the pants off that guy! We do have a fresh fish guy that comes around, but we buy sometimes. And I’m not sure I can think of any suggestive fish products ..

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