Why You Should Buy a Haunted House

If there’s one thing I know about myself it’s that I enjoy a challenge. I love learning how to do new things, and I’m especially keen to do something if someone has told me that I can’t. Far too many people give up on something just because it’s not easy. For example, there is a house down the street from me that has been on the market for years. Recently I noticed that the realtor sign in the front changed from one company to another. I didn’t think much of it, but then a neighbour happened to mention that the original realtor gave up on trying to sell the house because it’s haunted, or in professional terms a “stigmatized property.” I personally think that the realtors gave up too easily because it would simple to sell a haunted house. Let’s take a look at the benefits.

A Constant Excuse to Redecorate

Every couple of years my mother gets the urge to repaint at least one room of the house. This used to drive my father mad because he couldn’t see any reason to redo a room that still looked fine. A couple that lives in a haunted house could avoid this argument because if there is alternately blood and/or ectoplasm running down your walls, you’re going to need to do frequent repainting. If you hate the shade of blue that you chose for the living room, don’t worry. A cascade of gore is sure to pour down soon and give you an excuse to paint again in a different shade. Double points for saving your marriage by eliminating an argument.

Also, do you hate the pictures or the knickknacks adoring your abode? Again, just wait a short time and everything is sure to get thrown across the room and broken so you’ll be able to buy all new shit to collect dust on your shelves.

Home Security

haunted house for sale, haunted real estateI don’t know how much ADT or other home security systems cost, but they can’t be cheap. I’m sure that the system itself is expensive, but then the monthly monitoring fee is probably ridiculous, too. Just imagine how much money someone would save if they had a ghost to keep the burglars out. As soon as it got around in the burglar community that if you go into a certain house that you would immediately be covered in bite marks or attacked by flies as a gravely voice tells you to “GET OUT”, you could leave your front door wide open and no one would try to take your shit. Double points if the intruder ends up in therapy.

Never Lonely

I really like this perk because this is perfect for senior citizens. How many times do you hear your grandparents tell you that you never visit? How about that they are lonely? One solution is to move Gramps or Gram to a retirement home but those places are expensive as fuck! A haunted house is so much cheaper. Stigmatized properties go for a fraction of the cost and your elders are never alone with a ghost or five bumping around. Double points if the elderly person is forgetful and leaves lights on or neglects to flush the toilet because there are ghosts that will do that for them. Finally, when your elderly family member passes away, they’ll already have new friends on the other side!

There are many other benefits of owning a haunted house such as having cool disco lights for parties, getting to sing “It’s Raining Blanche”, and charging for tours during Halloween, but these three are the most impressive. So what are you waiting for? These houses are dying for you to buy them.

(Mwahahahaha.)
((More Halloween-palooza to come.))

28 thoughts on “Why You Should Buy a Haunted House

  1. Do you know how hard it is to find Ectoplasm Green at the hardware store? Mixed with some gore and some projectile vomit (and maybe after lighting some scented candles), you could put the place up as a Jackson Pollock-style interior decorating wonder.

  2. I’d like to be brave and say I would love to buy haunted house. And truthfully, I would. But I’d never sleep there or go in at night and if anyone told me to get out, there would be a Ranting Monkey sized whole in the nearest wall leading the the outdoors. My imagination is far too vivid to spend very much time in such a place.

  3. I’ve done the whole haunted living thing in college. One year=great. Nice ghost, fun times, no real shenanigans other than appliances going on/off, channels changing, & stuff falling off walls. I can handle that. A following year = year of satan. That ghost was NOT happy and especially didn’t like educated or easy women. If we were studying or…ya know…he got very angry. Not ok.

    That being says I’d totally buy a haunted place. Adds to the charm!

    • I REMEMBER YOU TELLING ME ABOUT THAT!!! That was CRAZY! I’m okay with haunts, but contrary to my argument about I wouldn’t appreciate a ghost smashing up my shit. As soon as one Wonder Woman statue was broken I would be going Ghostbusters on their ass.

  4. I used to live in a haunted place, but now I live in a complete dead zone (spiritually speaking), so no more ghostie roommates. I miss my ghostie roommates, although I don’t miss watching them knock the stuff off the bathroom cabinet, one bottle at a time.

  5. I think you can keep your ghosts and ghoulies. My house is already haunted by teenagers and they leave enough bad smells and mess to scare anybody away.

    Reminds me of the story our Real Estate agent was telling us when we were seling about how he was required to disclose that another property he was selling had had a recent murder in it. For some reason, that house was proving challenging to sell

  6. Not interested in a haunted house though I am on the lookout for a supervillian lair 🙂 Loved your post, made me laugh, as did all the links…well, except for “attack by flies” which depicts one of my worst fears eep

  7. There is a church two houses down from me that for sale. The minister there told me there is a ghost, but he’s a friendly ghost. The church has been for sale for months. My concern is, if someone buys it and tears it down or renovates it and angers the ghost, is he going to stroll down to my house? Across the street from me is an abandoned (almost) mansion. Blog or book fodder for sure. Then there’s my house. I think bad things happened here. “What Happened In My House? Murder?” http://wp.me/p1sXPw-p4 And I’m not just talking about the piss bottles.

  8. This is awesome. I think you need to mention the “home security” thing to the writers of Paranormal Activity. They always have some kind of alarm system that triggers when the ghost opens the door. Hello, you’ve got your security right there!

  9. Oh, GOD. Holly already drives us crazy by staring at every single reflection in our house. Can you IMAGINE what she would be like with a house full of hauntings and unexplained phenomena? Her poor neurotic mind would go into overdrive trying to hunt them all.

    So no, due to my neurotic animal companions, I will turn you down on this one. But any one of y’all buys a haunted house, I’m totally game to come visit! But only if I can have at LEAST three Scooby Doo-style hallway chases. Preferably with trippy lights and zany 60’s music.

    Also, I will warn y’all ahead of time that I plan on saying “JINKIES!” at least eight times an hour during our visit.

  10. LMAO! Oh God. I’ve always wanted a haunted house. That, and a house with secret passageways in the walls. Nothing is cooler than that! Oh, and a trap door in the floor of the porch that drops salesmen into a dungeon-like (or mad scientist lab-like) basement.

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  12. Another good reason to buy a haunted house would be no uninvited guests of the human kind. Also, no pain in the butt door-to-door salesmen.

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