The Dog’s Version Of “You Might Be a Dick If”

american eskimo dog, kira

“Kat couldn’t write shit if I wasn’t down here to supervise.”

As my sis Michelle says, my eye is still manky. In keeping with our Brit slang, it’s total bollocks.

The good news is that I only have one eye half dilated now, so I can half see, but the bad news is that, having one eye nearly clear and the other unfocused is giving me mad vertigo. Normally this would mean that I would have to hold off a little longer to do a new post, but luckily I have a writing partner: my Eskimo, Kira.

Every morning, as soon as I take my seat to begin writing, Kira assumes her writing partner position under my table. When I told her that my eyes weren’t up to doing a new entry, Kira graciously decided to take over for today. I mentioned to her that readers were requesting another edition of “You Might Be a Dick If” and Kira said that she was on it.

Now presenting: “You Might Be a Dick If… According to Kira”.

According to Kira:

  • If you are eating a meal and don’t share it–that is, giving three quarters of it to your dog–then you might be a dick.
  • If you take your dog to the park and don’t let them leap into the lake for the third time which is right before it’s time to leave so they can be filthy wet and soak everything in the car on the way home, then you might be a dick.
  • If you put your dog into the bath tub and insist that they are being ridiculous for being pissed off that you put them in there since you assert that it’s exactly the same thing as being in the lake they could not stay out of, then you might be a dick.
  • sharing a bed with a dogIf you try to claim more than two inches of your own bed to sleep in at night, then you might be a dick.
  • If you disturb you dog while they are napping during the day, when you know that the dog had a very long night of sleeping and that they need their rest since they have to do again that night, then you might be a dick.
  •  If you insist to your dog that “there is nothing out there” when your dog is barking its brains out to let you know that there is too something out there–“it’s a fucking squirrel and that asshole is in my bloody yard!”–then you might be a dick.
  • If you come home smelling like another dog (or cat or any other animal), then you might be a dick.

As in the previous version of “You Might Be a Dick If” Kira admits that she, too, was being a little snarky here, and that there is no “might” about it; if you do any of these things–especially the last one!–then you sir (or madam) are, in fact, a dick.  However, unlike the previous edition of “You Might Be a Dick”, Kira would like to finish by stating that even though you are a dick, your dog thinks you are the best dick in the world and loves your face off. β™₯

35 thoughts on “The Dog’s Version Of “You Might Be a Dick If”

  1. The pic of the dogs sleeping in bed . . . priceless. I will say that even my cat is like that, though. She weighs 10 pounds and can easily take up 3/4 of my bed. And then hisses at me when I turn over. Biatch.

  2. Oh these doggies! Mine is a real jerk…won’t cuddle when I want him to and pretends like he doesn’t hear me when I’m talking…but by God, if I don’t take him for two walks a day and go where he wants to go…I’m a dick!

    Kira is a doll πŸ™‚

  3. As a new dog owner, good stuff to know. Thanks Kira! Can I just ask, as my dog doesn’t really write or talk much, do you LIKE fetching the ball? Or do you just wonder why we keep throwing it away?

  4. My cat, Peeps, totally agrees with Kira on all points except water play-unless it is in the toilet bowl right before a guest needs to use it!

  5. Using Brit slang demands permission from a Brit !! ,I mean you don’t see Brits repeating Yank slang do ya? oh sorry we do. ok carry on. permission granted, but only if you can tell me what ” apples & pears” are, or ” dog & bone”

    • I knew “apples & pears”, but not “dog & bone”. πŸ˜‰ Though in my defense I’m a Northerner and rhyming slang isn’t really used up there.

      Also? Thank you so much for the extremely supportive and kind comment you left on my About Me. I hope you see this because I don’t have an email address for you and wanted you to know how much it meant, Malcy.

  6. Holly would like to add that if you call her crazy for chasing The Evil Light Speck on the Wall for hours, you might be a dick. If you expect her to go out and pee in the rain before you leave for work for EIGHT HOURS, you might also be a dick.

    Apollo, the eternal optimist, has nothing to add. He thinks every human is wonderful. Even muggers. Except the mailman. So I guess if you have the misfortune to work for the United States Postal System, to my dogs, you most certainly are a dick. And also possibly an evil trespassing nefarious supervillain who comes to terrorize and threaten our home at precisely 2 p.m. every day. But certainly a dick.

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