Gas, Grass and Gollum

So my mother and I went to buy a lawn mower yesterday and we met Gollum from “Lord of the Rings”.

Alright, I’ll back up a bit.

I came home from work on Saturday night to find the mangled remains of my mother’s lawn mower upside down and in the middle of the front yard.  Apparently my brother and the lawn mower had a disagreement and it came to blows.  The only winners in this battle though were my neighbours who got to witness the spectacular display of Irish tempertantrics.  The final result was that the lawn mower was retired, my brother was exhausted from flinging it around in an effort to make it work (no comment), and my mother and I had to pick up a new lawn mower on Sunday.

gollum, lowesWe walked into Loews and were making our way to the mowers when I heard a scratchy voice ask my mother if she needed any help.  I turned around to chide my mother for talking to strangers and nearly fell over a display of Tiki torches. The person who was helping her – and I don’t mean this as a slam because the gentleman was a very sweet grandfather of ten – but he was small and thin and, to me, looked almost exactly like Smeagol. It made the shopping trip more bearable since we all know how I loathe shopping.

Unless it’s at Victoria Secret, in which case, I’m the one who turns in Gollum.

“Do you want a mower that is self-propelled?” “Smeagol” asked us as we walked over to the display of mowers.

“That would make it easier to push, wouldn’t it?” I asked back.

“Oh definitely,” he laughed.

“Then we don’t want that.  My brother is the one who does the mowing and there’s no reason to make things easier for that butthead,” I told him. “In fact do you have any of those old fashioned push ones?”

“We don’t need it to be self-propelled,” my mother cut in, “but is gas or electric better?”

“The electric works well if you have a small yard, but otherwise a gas one would be best.”

“I think we can all agree that what would be best is whichever one makes my brother work the hardest,” I said. “Now where are those old push mowers?”

To my delight, they do still make the old-fashioned, non-gas push mowers and Smeagol escorted us to where we could find one.

“There ya go,” Smeagol grinned. “And the push ones leave no carbon footprint!”

“No carbon footprint!” I repeated to my mother. “You see what a brilliant idea this is?”

“It cuts sixteen inches across at a time so it might take him a while,” Smeagol added.

“I will seriously pay for the lawn mower if you buy this one,” I told my mother.

My mother, from whom I get my short attention span, had already been distracted the display of shiny weed whackers behind us though.

“We should probably get a new weed whacker, too,” she said. “The old one has been sitting outside and rusting since Dad died.”

“Now weed whackers are another ballgame,” Smeagol began.

“The thing that you have to remember though,” I waved my hands to get Mumma’s attention from the wall of garden toys, “is that I want goats, and–”

My mother began to rudely laugh, however I continued.

“–they should be able to handle a bit of edging.”

“With goats you would only need to buy a little hand shovel.  And you would get milk!” Smeagol added.

“I knew I liked this guy!” I exclaimed. “So we’re agreed on the goats?”

In the end, my mother bought a gas lawn mower, though not a self-propelled, and decided to wait on the weed whacker.  And I didn’t get my goats yet.  The day would have been a complete disappointment for me except that thanks to the trip I have since decided to refer to the woman who does my Brazilian waxing as a “weed whacker”.


A quick end note here, I have some potentially fucking awesome news about my long-awaited book.  I am a big believer in not counting my goats before they are hatched though, so I’m not showing my hand just yet.  The only thing is that you may notice is that I’ve started to update the format this blog and make it at least look more like an actual writer’s website.  Believe me, content will stay the same because I am what I am–and that is to say that I’m a fucking lunatic and I like telling you about it.  In addition to being a lunatic though, I am very serious when it comes to my writing, so I’ve added a new About Me section that sounds a little more professional than my original one.

(However, I’m still keeping the old one because, like I said, I am what I am and that that About Me probably illustrates who I am more than any actual paragraphs ever could.)

29 thoughts on “Gas, Grass and Gollum

  1. Funny ass stuff. I have no idea of who the nerd herd characters are, but still funny. You should have just bought the weed wacker and made bro cut the entire yard with it.

  2. Hilarious and well written as always. You managed to give what seems to be a realistic description of shopping for a weed whacker and harassing your brother, while keeping it absolutely hilarious. Very visual, very relatable and fantastic dialogue! And I don’t even like Lord of the Rings. Also, that’s great about your book. Can’t wait to hear the news! Best of luck. I’ll be buying your book.

  3. “Irish tempertantrics” = My new favorite phrase.

    Smeagol sounds like the most awesome Lowes employee EVER!!! I only wish you could have gotten a picture without weirding him out…

    Well, at least your brother won’t have TOO easy of a time mowing the lawn. Here’s hoping this mower won’t suffer the same fate as the old one… 🙂

    • OMG I so wanted to take a picture or him, but yes I was a little concerned about freaking him out. 😉 If he was an ass I wouldn’t have care, but he was so sweet. I call him Smeagol with LOVE! ;D

  4. You should have taken a picture of this ‘Smeagol’! I want a goat, I saw some very cute baby ones in a zoo in France, I wanted to bring them all home! :3 x

  5. As I read this, I couldn’t help but hear Gollum’s voice.
    Thanks. Thanks for that.
    I hear Gandalf works at Home Depot. Word is that he’s a wiz with parquet flooring.

  6. I really ought to take you shopping with me, it would be way more fun. If only you didn’t live on the other side of the country from me. Details, whatev. I love that you wanted to buy the old push mower special for your brother. lol What a thoughtful sister you are. Hey, Christmas will be here before you know it . . . just an idea. ;o)

    • My mother says that going shopping with me is quite the experience, 😉

      For Christmas he’s getting a pair of electric socks. Shhh…don’t tell him.

  7. I am slightly disappointed in the fact that you didn’t purchase the old style mower anyway and play a cruel trick on your brother.

    It totally was worth the joke and you could have taken is back after the joke was over. Let’s be honest here sibling torture is the best thing ever. At least that is what my friends tell me because I am an only and have to torture all people equally since I don;t have a sibling to take it out on.

  8. Finally a post with nerdy references that I actually knew!! It had to happen sooner or later! I want you to come shopping with me, you make everything an adventure! And I can’t wait to hear the news on your book, you deserve all (and only) the best!

  9. Real yardwork isn’t yardwork if it’s easy. You just don’t get a good sweat with a self propelled mower. Well, unless you’re 400 lbs. Then you can break a sweat just eating a burrito.

    Glad to hear things are going well with the book. I don’t know a thing about it, but I’m stoked for the possibility that it may one day hit a bookstore. Just don’t become TOO professional, alright?

  10. You are such a tease… with your body… of work…. in writing.

    Anyway, I would have loved to have had a Smeagol help me find my plant instead of the guy who said “No clue when the plants are comin’ in.”

  11. Every lawnmower shop should have a Smeagol. My local one doesn’t and I feel a bit jealous to be honest. Loving the new look of the site, loving the anticipation of what’s going down with your book … heee!

  12. Great story about the goats, ehh, lawn mower! And I’m a fan of Smeagol, in a weird way 😉

    Looking forward to hearing your fabulous news!

    • Smeagol is such a tragic character that you can’t help but root a bit for him. Tolkien was a genius in giving us that brief glimpse of humanity only to snatch it away.

      (Went on a nerdy tangent there.)

      But yes! Goats!

  13. Pre-congratulations are in order? Way to go on the book but ssshhhh I don’t want to jinx it. Keeping fingers crossed. Once you’re published you can buy all the goats in the world. You can even work it in your contract. One goat for every thousand books sold! I should be your agent…

  14. I’m more than slightly disappointed that your mother didn’t get the old-fashioned push mower because although I’ve never met your brother I totally know he needs to work harder ;-).

  15. CAN YOU SERIOUSLY GET SOME GOATS? Because that would be the best thing ever. EVER. I would buy the milk off of you and make goat cheese. Then I wouldn’t even have to go to Whole Foods and put up with the people there. Plus? Bonus? It’d be local goat milk. Well, not local as for Boston-local, but still local. I’m supporting the Little Guy. I’m supporting the local grassfed organic movement. AND I’d have goat cheese. So basically I AM SO ON BOARD WITH THESE GOATS. Especially if they’re the fainting kind. But any goats, really.

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