Dating Over Thirty And a Follow Up To The Wrongest Story Ever

I have a friend who really wants to get married. She happily informed me on Sunday that she found out that the average age for a woman to get married is 29, so “she’s not too far behind the 8 ball”. I then had one of those moments where a thought pops into my head and tumbles out of my mouth by telling her that the number is probably that high because it’s based on the age of all brides and, since half of all marriages fail, that would include a lot of second marriages.

She didn’t speak to me for the rest of the luncheon.

As some of you may know, I was married once. And for those of you who just found out now, I’ll wait while you pick yourself up off of the floor since I agree that is shocking to consider me in such a role. Anyway, it was quite literally a lifetime ago, and unlike a lot of women I don’t feel the frantic need to be in a relationship again. That’s not to say that I’m actively opposed to the idea – I’m not one of those women screeching that she never wants to be in a relationship again while at the same time her head is swiveling in every direction for a Y chromosome – but rather, I’m okay with being on my own. I have however been told that I’m subconsciously avoiding a “real” relationship based on the caliber of guys that I’ve dated since my liberation. I can’t argue that they haven’t been a bunch of toads, but at least I ended it when I kissed them and they didn’t turn into a prince. I am. But apparently this is an avoidance tactic of my part.

However, I think I may have recently discovered the true reason why I’m not in a relationship ship, and this is thanks to a resurgence in popularity of the Probably (One of) The Wrongest Stories I Will Ever Tell You post. The first time I published that, the general consensus of comments agreed that it was indeed a very wrong story.  Since the second posting though? I have received a few messages and emails from women asking how this story is wrong. At first I thought that they were being facetious, but imagine my surprise when I discovered that a handful (HAHA!) of these women were serious. One woman told me, “I think that everyone has done this and they just won’t admit it.”

I replied with, “I have not.  But then I don’t date much.”

Her response was, “Seriously. You might want to think about it. When you find the right guy you’ll want to give it a try.”

And there you have it, peeps. This is why I will probably never be in a relationship: I can honestly say that I will never, ever find someone with whom I am so enamored that I will want to try holding his tally-whacker while he pees. In fact I will happily demonstrate my love by telling him that’s his rodeo and he can handle his own lasso.

But seriously, you all have some weird relationships – which is fine, but I just don’t want to know the details of them.

Consider No. 22 on my List of Shameless Shit, “Set a Boundary” done because I’ve just decided that the doorway to the bathroom is a sacred boundary that will not be crossed.

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32 thoughts on “Dating Over Thirty And a Follow Up To The Wrongest Story Ever

  1. I’m with you Kat, the day my husband asks me to hold his dick while he is pissing is the day that we call it quits. This is not normal and don’t let any of those needy bitches tell you otherwise.

  2. Yeah…no
    If/when i get in a relationship I dont want her holding my penis.or even be in the bathroom when I do my thing or she does.

    There’s things you just do in private.

  3. I would NEVER. The only time I touch his junk is when things are going to be fun for me. To clarify, holding it while he pees does not fall under “fun for me”.

    My boyfriend is only three years younger than me, but I assure you, I know what you mean about bitches being bitches. I get a lot of “OH HE’S SO YOUNG” to which I am like “Yeah, which means we still have sex three times a day and I bet you definitely don’t, what with your older gentleman and all”.

    I’m friendly, I swear.

  4. Damn it…that’s why I’m single? Holding a man’s “tally wacker” whilst he urinates = love? Well fuck.

    Like you I am more than happy and fulfilled single but of course I’m open to the idea of finding a guy to share my insane life with. The difference with me is I won’t be crushed if that doesn’t happen? Why? Because my happiness is not reliant on a relationship, a man, or ANYONE other than myself.

    Well said, love.

  5. If I’d ever had a girlfriend and she wanted to hold my penis while I urinated, it wouldn’t have bothered me, but I wouldn’t have asked her to do it. It’s not so disgusting compared to nine tenths of things you see on the Internet these days. (Look at a scat site before eating if you’re trying to lose weight.) When my bladder is full and my stream is strong my fingers can actually feel the fluid going through this little hose made of flesh. Some women might like the novelty of that sort of thing, and I wouldn’t think less of them for it.

  6. Most of the women I meet over 30 are divorced and have kids, just like me, and some of them are crazy, which is only natural if they’ve been married. Marriage to the wrong person can do that to you. Most have not been crazy, and while I think I may have finally found The One (though she’s currently living 900 miles away) I would never, NEVER, NEV. VER. Never ask my gal to hold my schwantz while I pee. Never. If she asked, I would be very, very concerned.

  7. This is hysterical. Can I say a quick AMEN SISTER!!! to Jewels? I think I’ll be single whilst throwing in the occasional 3-6 month relationships just to remind me why I prefer to be single. Why for the love of god would I want to hold a man’s penis while he pees?

  8. Younger men are only a problem when they are underage. If my husband dies first (fingers crossed) I am totally dating younger men.

    I can forsee a time when I might need to hold it for him. I love him enough to do that. I will also wipe his butt & change his Depends. Hopefully, this issue won’t come up for about 30 more years.

  9. HA HA Kat man, and THIS is why you’ll never be in a relationship. But then you’ll fall one day and who cares if he’s older or younger as long as he doesn’t ask you to hold his penis while he pees. For the record, fell very much in love at 36 with a ‘younger man’ (Hubby’s my toyboy) and he has never, not ONCE suggested I hold his penis while he pees. Thankfully.

  10. Oh Kat, why so closed-minded??
    I’m SO totally joking! You know I love you and I too would find the “holding my penis while I pee” request to be a deal breaker unless both of his arms were broken/missing and it saved me from having to clean up a mess in the bathroom if he tried it on his own. Then, and only then, would I consider it. And if it comes to that, I’m assuming I’ll love him anyways.

  11. I will never ask that of my wife. I have 2 good hands, thank you very much.

    Also, I don’t know why 30 seems to be this magical cutoff, like if you aren’t married – hurry up, get married to anyone you can, otherwise you’ll be alone forever and die alone!

    Back when I was single, I was approached by a woman who was turning 30 in 3 months. She told me, very seriously, that in 3 months she wanted be married and pregnant, and she didn’t care to whom, she just NEEDED to make it happen. And if I was going to “date” her, I had to be okay with that. It wasn’t a date – it was a business proposition. I ran so fast my feet hurt.

  12. *cough* This is my third marriage, don’t judge. I made my mistakes and I found a keeper this time 🙂 Anyway, all that said.. I’ve never done that before.. and don’t plan to either!

  13. The young girl I work with went into great detail about how after her stupid boyfriend burnt his hands she had to do “everything” for him, including holding his tallywhacker while he peed and wiping his bum.
    If it was me, I would have sent him home to his mother.

  14. You know, I am completely enamored with my bf but bathroom time is his own. I don’t care to watch or assist him while he’s in there. As for late marriages, it happens. I don’t think there is a “right” age. I’ll be 28 by years end and although its something I am, for the first time, honestly looking forward to, I don’t feel bound by age. I’d like to be married before I’m 30 but if it doesn’t happen until after that’s ok too.

  15. That is just so…wrong! My hubby is pretty freaky but let me tell you, he’s never suggested that…no would he…no would I. That’s just wrong. And I disagree with the woman that emailed you and said that everyone has done this but won’t admit it. I don’t know of ONE person who has done this…and my gal pals have done some crazy shit! LOL!!!
    GREAT post!

  16. Haha you had me giggling like a school-girl with the “handful” comment.

    Not that I’m into school girls. Seriously, I prefer older women. Which is kinda the point of this post.

  17. uh, no. I’ve never wanted to, and no one has ever asked me to do so… or wait. Maybe I thought/assumed he was joking. But no. I just don’t see why I (or any other woman) would need to do that.

  18. “since my liberation” — priceless. But when you say “unlike a lot of women, I don’t care if I’m ever in a relationship again” — well, I don’t know about a lot of women, but like you, I don’t care about being in a relationship again. Things are different since my liberation. As to the wrongest story — I did a lot of things with my Ex-husband that I would never consider doing again, and by that I don’t just mean get married.

  19. PEOPLE THINK THIS IS NORMAL?!?! ohsweetjesus NO. I, Nicki, will stand up right here and say I HAVE NEVER DONE THIS and also I NEVER EFFING WILL. Crazies.

  20. I’d do it and have done it… we usually end up in bed…
    I only do it when I’m in the mood and It’s like surprise. kinda hard to do in the morning though. I don’t think anything wrong with it but if you feel that it’s not for you then it’s not for you.

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