For example, I was pretty stoked when I was given a gift certificate for a Brazilian bikini wax at a local spa for Christmas. (You might be already thinking that this is a bit of what-the-fuck since who gets stoked over being given a gift where a complete stranger yanks all of the hair from your nethers by hot wax, but I'm really lazy and was thrilled to let someone else do this for me.) I'd never heard of the spa where I was to undergo this aesthetic torture, but was assured that it was the best. With summer finally here, I decided that it was time to use my certificate. The first thing that I did was look to see if the spa had a website. It did, but there wasn't much to it except an overview of services and the address. I happened to notice there was a "JCC", but ditzy me thought that this was a business suffix like an "LLC". It wasn't until I typed in the actual numerical address into Google maps that I realized that "JCC" was short for "Jewish Community Center".
I wasn't even sure what a Jewish Community Center entailed but I was pretty sure that it didn't typically include poon grooming. Since I'm well-versed in the perverse, I just rolled with it and called to make my appointment. When I spoke to the owner of the spa, she verified that she was indeed located inside the JCC, but assured me that I didn't have to be Jewish to enter the building. Good thing since I planned on praying the entire time that my pubes were being violently removed.
The first thing that I have to say about this JCC is that it's bloody huge. Not only is it three buildings, but each of the buildings is massive. I didn't know which one held my destination, so I chose the biggest building and it turned out that I was correct. After signing in as a guest, I was pointed in the general direction of where I would find the spa. After wandering the halls for ten minutes I finally stumbled in a panic through a doorway that I hoped was where I would just be waxed and not circumcised. There was an elderly gentleman receptionist who assured me that I had found the correct place. (Yeah it was a little weird to be asking an eldery Jewish man if I was in the right place to have my nonny-hoo-hoo primped, but again, I just rolled with it.)
As shocking as it might be, the waxing itself wasn't traumatic. Aside from being aware that there were small children just a room away in the daycare center as I was having my poon waxed, it went off without a hitch, in fact, you can read about the actual waxing experience and what to expect if you want to have one done in my article "Making Your Brazilian Wax a Smooth Experience" at The Indie Chicks.
In other news, I've started edits on my book. I pretty much rewrote chapter one the other day (long story as to why) and I have to say that it's something that I'm proud of--like to the point where even if it's turned down my every literary agent in the world, I'll still love it and be willing to show it off. My posts are going to remain a little sparser for a bit longer, but as you can, a lot of the awesome that I've been mentioning in the past few months has been building momentum and I'm still adapting on keeping up with it. It's a lot of work--I pretty much live on my computer--but I love it.
Calen Spindler on Google+
There has to be a Kosher joke somewhere in the mix...
ReplyDeleteDude, I so agree. I wish I wasn't too tired to find it. *BRAIN. FAIL.*
DeleteOk, this seriously left me wondering if it was the jewish man that was waxing the kitty. I think I'd have rolled with the whole weirdness factor up to that point, but the flat hat and bearded dude would have been a no go.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, I am laughing so hard right now ... this post's title is definitely one of the best I have ever seen, and the story itself was pretty damn entertaining, too :-)
ReplyDeleteAnd the writer/dramady conundrum is sort of like the chicken/egg question ... as a writer myself, though, I'm kind of glad ... I am rarely bored ;-)
I've got to say, this post has one of the most awesome titles EVER!!!
ReplyDeleteAlso, this post was hilarious and the post @ Indie Chicks was quite informative. Good day for Kat today. :)
Very entertaining, but quite possible a TMI moment for me. But as I just moved my switch over to "pervert-low", I made it through okay. (Yes, I hit the link, God knows why.)
ReplyDeleteI have only one thing to say - you used the phrase "poon grooming" and I'm stealing it.
ReplyDeleteThat is all.
Hahhaha...very odd. I wish I could bring myself to get a brazillian but its just too scary.
ReplyDeleteYay! I couldn't wait to hear about this!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you are happy with your first chapter, even though you had to rewrite it!
Haha, a very odd place for a Brazilian Wax! x
ReplyDeleteOnly you my darling...only you! Congrats on your gig with the Indie Chicks, they made an excellent choice in tapping you and Jewels to get it handled!
ReplyDeleteI was wondering if the aestician is a Mohel. And also wondering how many times a day they get that joke.
ReplyDeleteI am going to have that service done sometime.
I may have to wait until my hisband is dead. But someday, I'm gonna smooth up.
CONGRATULATIONS ON INDIECHICKS! You two are going to be amazing! Especially you, because you get bikini waxes at Jewish Community Centers. Like you do. Like I do. Except I don't. Shit. Shit. I'm typing this at work. I'm typing about waxing nonny-hoo-hoos at work. I feel incredibly guilty about this. I'm trying to not look around guiltily and make it any more obvious. Why don't they do Brazilians at Catholic community centers? I could totally pop in for a quick wax and a confession all in one. They should do a whole spa treatment. CLEANSE YOUR SOUL AND CLEANSE YOUR PORES ALL IN THE SAME PLACE.
ReplyDeleteBoom. Business plan. Launched.
Nicki, I so think we should be business partners. I'm not catholic but I'll pretend.
DeleteWell I'M Catholic and I think it's a BRILLIANT idea! Bless me Father -- JESUS THAT HURT -- for I have sinned. . . .Killing 3 birds with one stone, yes?
DeleteIf there was ever a title that made someone go "What the fuck? I have to know . . . " that was it. LOL
ReplyDeleteI just think you are brave going the full Brazillian. My grooming isn't quite that extreme but still can ring tears to my eyes.
ReplyDeleteI guess in the end, it could be a Buddist monk who shaves your poon as long as it's nice and smooth in the end. Whether it's done according to kosher customs or in a zen fashion is just an after thought.
ReplyDeleteI have a new favorite term, "poon grooming". I love the word poon and I was happy to see that you used it in a couple of places.
ReplyDeleteThe first line of this post is the best opening line of a blog post ever. Thank you for making me laugh first thing in the morning. Next time I read your writing, I will not take a sip of coffee at the same time. Love this.
ReplyDeleteDani
@sunshinemommy
http://suburbiainterrupted.com
You said "noony hoo-hoo". tee hee.
ReplyDeleteCool!
ReplyDeletelovely blog you have! :)
Poon Groomer was a metal band in high school. we were terrible. not really.
ReplyDeletehilarious
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA :))))))) This is so fucking funny. :)) An elderly jewish man, too. Crazy.
ReplyDeleteAnd I know what you mean about writing your book. :) I've been writing nonstop (almost literally) these past few months; I forgot to sleep last night and am currently living off Paracetamol. Hahaha Can't wait to read it, Kat!
www.winawonders.com
Hmmm. While this was a hilarious read, I'm against Brazilians. Ouch. Additionally, I don't want to pay good money to upkeep my "poon." I trim the bush and clean up the hedges for a nominal sum (scissors and my razor). I can use the money I save in a year to go on a fabulous trip (weekender) or buy a new wardrobe (small, though it might be). I might also add that I don't want to look like a porn star or a prepubescent little girl - just me, I guess. I've noticed on some porn sites that public hair has been relegated to fetish status. That's just sad. To each her/his own. Maybe it's my generation (I was born in the mid-60s). On a final note, I will not have sex with waxed people. Yuck. Again, my preference. Enjoy your Barbie "noony hoo-hoo."
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence set the tone for this hilarious description of what we hope is a discreet matter. I'm with you on the need for grooming though. Can't wait to read more here. Where the he'll have I been?
ReplyDelete