You Might Be a Dick If

There are a lot of warning signs that someone might be a dick, but today I’m going to focus on the warning signs regarding cell phones that I’ve encountered while at my day job. Let’s begin.turn off your fucking cell phone sign

  • If I’m asking you how many hours a day you wear your contacts and you can’t even look up from texting on your phone to give me the dickish answer “all day”–this is another rant entirely–then you might be a dick.
  • If I’ve called your name to take you back to the doctor and you hold a finger up in a “one minute gesture” and continue your texting and/or cell phone conversation, then you might be a dick.
  • If I admit that a lot of medical machines are not affected by cell phones but that the one that I’m about to use on you is indeed affected by cell phones and ask that you please turn off your cell phone and in response you give me a “yeah right” look, then you might be a dick.
  • If I’m using the machine which is affected by cell phones and the screen is jumping all over the place and I then find out that it’s because you were getting texts after having not turned off your cell phone despite my asking, then you might be a dick.
  • If I’m teaching you to put in your contacts and you touch your phone not once, but twice, to answer a text and make me make you wash your hands again (cell phones are one of the most disgusting filthy appliances in the world so you do not want to touch them and then touch your eye), then you might be a dick.

I’ll admit that I’m being a little snarky here, so I’ll finish by clarifying that there is no “might” about it. If you do any of these things, then you sir (or madam) are, in fact, a dick.

TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING CELL PHONE OR I WILL MAKE YOU EAT IT!

In other news, my newest piece at The Indie Chicks went up on Monday.  “The Skinny on the 7 Day Detox Diet” is up, so check that out for want a breakdown (and an update) on what it’s really like to do the detox without all of the flowery, magical (aka bullshit) phrases that diet sites use to describe it.

32 thoughts on “You Might Be a Dick If

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Omg awesome!

    PS you really have to go and read my post from yesterday. I think YOU will get a real kick out of it… and possibly be horrified at the same time.

  2. HA! Turn off your fucking cell phone or I’ll make you eat it. Love it. I wish I could do that to some people, and I don’t even work in the doctor’s office.

  3. Cell phones have helped take rudeness to the next level… I was helping a student with her schedule one afternoon, and she kept stopping to text… after about the fifth time, I got up… picked up her books… took them out of my office and brought another student in…

    ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ~shoes~

  4. Very funny post, but not so funny when they are being the dicks and you are trying to work. Good you could find the humor and share with all of us. I’m all for making them eat it! I checked out your article over at Singles Warehouse, and thought it was great, but I’m an ol’ married fogy so I’m leaving a comment here. My husband and I have shower sex pretty often (we have two preteens and our schedules are opposite), so it feels kinda kinky when we actually do it in the bed! Haha. Oh and I like your towel tip. Er . . . Thank You. Very much indeed.

  5. Amazing how important people think they are. WHY is your text more important that the work you are doing right now? Are you waiting to recieve the formula to cure cancer? No? Then turn your fucking phone off.

    Get over yourself.

  6. And there are still the dicks who don’t at least put their phone on vibrate during a movie. Seriously, people, it can wait. And for the guy who did the finger “wait a minute” in the waiting room – I would have simply called the next person in line. Because he obviously wasn’t ready and the poor schmuck behind him was.

    • That’s exactly what I was thinking. Also, I probably wouldn’t tell them more than once to wash their hands before putting the contacts in. A nasty bout of pinkeye should cure them of that habit pretty quickly.

  7. Yeah I get pissed when I am talking to my kids and they start texting at the same time. I have had to really get in their business about those damn phones. Of course I will say this, my girls are not as bad as some teens. They will put it down to eat dinner with the family and don’t sit texting in the car on a long drive and ignore me.

    It is called communication, it is a novel idea that involves two real live people using speech to talk to each other!

  8. I happen to like the taste of cell phones, so go ahead and make me eat it! I don’t care!

    I try to be a dick sometimes but it never works out! I guess I’m stuck being this polite guy for the rest of my life!

  9. Nothing bugs me more than people who can’t give people who are helping them the time or courtesy to make eye contact and respond to the person who is helping them. The grocery store is my biggest pet peeve for this behavior. You should be the official cell phone police, and the punishment for every infraction is that you make them eat their phone. Period.

  10. A 1000 times – yes. If you’re stupid fucking text is more important than what’s going on around you…driving, getting your damn groceries on the belt, whatever – you ARE DEFINITELY a dick. This should be a regular feature. Love it.

  11. Can you make someone eat their cell phone? Pleeease? Next time they fuck up your machine I mean, when they really deserve it. Should I offer to pay if they sue you?

  12. Post really passive-aggressive (or straight-up aggressive) signs. Slap the phone out of their hand. Put a box at the door and make people leave their phones in it. Refuse to continue with the test until people turn off their phone. Or just keep posting these blog posts. Because they are HILARIOUS.

  13. maybe the next time it happens you could get their phone number off of their chart and send them a text:

    “get off the phone you fucking dick!”

  14. I feel your pain. I used to work in customer service and saw many a dick trying to pretend I was wasting their time. Since you obviously have access to contact solution, why don’t you offer these dicks some water and drop a few red eye drops in there. Nice post 🙂

  15. Wow, that is crazy! I also can’t stand people who are checking out at a store and are on their cell phone. Or, point and use their hands to tell the waitress what to do, because they are talking on their cell. It’s so rude!!! I don’t understand why people don’t get that.

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