Fifty Shades of Kat

What could be a better way to start a month than with a Soft Core Friday post? And what a SCF post it is, too! My laptop started overheating from only the notes of everything I wanted to cover! (Or uncover since this is SCF).

First up on this SCF is the bidding adieu to Zombie Awareness Month with the ultimate bang, namely by my writing some zombie-inspired smut. When I had originally wrote this piece several months ago, it was more humour than erotica, so I did a massive rewrite over the past few days (despite a summer flu) and I came up with something that I actually kinda love.** Seriously the piece is not as whacko as you are probably thinking it is–because how could zombie smut possibly sound whacko?–and I think that it’s one of my better written pieces, so please check out “Love Bites”. Don’t be shy about leaving comments either because you can leave them anon, and I’d love your feedback.

And zombie smut was just the intro, peeps! Now onto the post!

fanfic sex fail, fan fictionToday’s SCF post comes courtesy of those “Fifty Shades of Grey” books. Bloody fucking hell I am so fucking sick of hearing about these books! While I am admittedly more likely to disdain anything promoted by The Hype Monster, the reason these books make me so angry that I see fifty shades of red is because they are so fucking poorly written. They originated as fan fiction. As “Twilight” fan fiction. Twilight. Fan. Fiction. And the writer is making millions. Kill me now. The only thing that I can conclude is that people are really starving for BDSM stories, and since I’m all about being helpful, I’m going to provide the world with a little ditty about the topic from my own experiences. Off we go then.

I’d met my former shagbuddy while sparring so it wasn’t surprising that our sex always had a wrestle-y, competition for dominance to it.

“You are a bad girl and you should be tied up during sex,” he had told me one time while pinning my hands down.

I rolled my eyes, “You couldn’t tie a knot that would hold me, so I’ll pass.”

“Scared?” he was obviously trying to goad me, but in this case it wouldn’t work.

“No, I know how my brain works and the entire time I would be more annoyed that I was supposed to be restrained by a pathetic knot. Get some handcuffs and I’m your huckleberry.”

We continued our pillow play, and I thought that we were done with the subject until we were in the throws of the main course and he suddenly told me to hit him.

I ignored the first request, but when he barked at me again to hit him, I gave him a hard pat to the side of his face just to shut him up.

“You call that a slap? You hit like a fucking girl! I said to hit me!”

Now, there are a few phases that you never want to say to me, at least when you are within my reach. Number one, “I drank the last cup of coffee.” Number two, “I erased all of the music from your iPod and replaced it with Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and the best of Glee.” And three, “You hit like a girl.” Furthermore, none of these should be followed by an invitation for me to hit you. Because chances are that I will. (I really love my coffee.)

In this particular case I drew my hand back and I nailed that fucker with a slap that would have made the most jaded pimp weep with pride.

He didn’t ask me to hit him again.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I broke my hand.
(No, not really, but I find the idea is so hilarious that I almost wish that was true.)

No the real moral of this story is that you don’t provoke a trained fighter to hit you as hard as they fancy. To Shaggy’s credit, he at least laughed about it after we were finished.

That story probably didn’t titillate the way that you were expecting, so to make up for it, I’ll conclude today’s Soft Core Friday post with the next member of the sexy Writes Like a Slut crew. I purposely wanted to make sure that I posted her pic on a SCF since she is the originator of the idea. I give you the hotness that is my darling Random Girl from Random Girl Blogs.

writes like a slut shirt

Have a kickass weekend, my dear naughty ones! Don’t do anything that I wouldn’t do–which means that you have free reign to do pretty much anything. And if you do, please blog about it since I’m sloooowly catching up on my roll.

26 thoughts on “Fifty Shades of Kat

  1. Oooh Oooh Oooh! Zombie porn, BDSM, and my own perky ones featured on your SCF?? June 1 is officially my favorite day ever!!!! I think all I’m doing for SCF today is linking here and to Jewels Naughty Nothings featuring your post and calling it an awesome day! Big Randy kisses to you my love! *MWAH*!!

  2. I for one, would not want to be slapped during sex. Nor would I want to be tied up, or tie up some else for that matter. I need my groping hands, and hands to grope me!

    I liked your zombie smut!

  3. Even hearing this over drinks last weekend I still laughed at this story. Silly silly man!

    I love Randy’s picture!! 😉

    As for your zombie tale…it is amazing. I never thought I’d love it as much as I do. I was nervous about it as well but you surprised me yet again with an BRILLIANT piece!! Run to read it, everyone!!

  4. What the hell was he expecting when he criticised your first slap? He had it coming. I tried the spanking thing once but found it painful, annoying and about as erotic as a bag of smashed up crabs.

  5. I’ve been down the S&M road and frankly, it horrified me. The idea of raising welts on your partner while she yells at you to spank her harder…ya, not so much thanks.

    The popularity of 50 Shades of Crappy-Writing worries me because some guy is going to be coaxed into playing the role of Mr Grey and it will affect him as it did me.

    • I’ve heard several sources claim that they have had women insist on slapping them and whatnot during sex and they either refused or bore through the experience while hating it, so you’re completely not alone in that regard, anon.

  6. I’m not telling you whether I (with or without Hubby) read your zombie porn or not. Read between the lines … LOVE that you belted that fella “he didn’t ask me to hit him again” – totally floored me Kat. SO funny.

    • Thank you, my dear! I’m honoured that you MAY have read my zombie smut with hunny! 😉 Also, I’m really happy that this tale of foibles gave you a laugh. =)

  7. If you’re going to read bdsm porn fanfiction, I think you need to read the best of it. Xanthe’s BDSM!Universe stories over at http://www.xanthe.org are some of the best I’ve ever found. I’ve actually podficced some of them, that’s how much I loved them. I just can’t see Fifty Shades living up to them.

    • I’m not really that into reading BDSM porn, but apparently a LOT of people were dying to read some! Thank you for the link though, and I’ll still check it out when I have “alone time”. 😉

    • The hilarious thing is that Shaggy know that I punch like a badass, too, and he STILL wanted me to hit him! Mental!

      And an ABFTS 50 Shades post? Great minds think a like I guess! 😉

  8. “do anything” like a girl can be a really cool t-shirt. In roller derby there was this one guy who always wore a t-shirt that said “I wish I could skate like a girl” and I thought it rocked. Yeah. Your next line of shirts could be “I fight like a girl.”

    Sweet.

  9. 50 Shades of “Mommyporn” Gray is not my thing. But I get that respectable ladies don’t like to watch porn. So they read it and get off that way. Whatevz. I’m sure Channing Tatum is already signed on to do the movie. And like The Vow or Dear John or the rest of that movies-for-ladyparts bullshit, I will not watch it. That doesn’t make the ladyparts that take themselves to the movies to weep their vaginas off are bad people. It simply means that I will be watching the Avengers instead. I’m not part of that demographic. And that’s okay. I’m sure the 50 Shades folks are sick of hearing about the Avengers. So to each their own. Sexy bondage contracts vs. misguided world-threatening demigods.

    Whatever turns you on.

    And in my case, I get turned on by explosive arrow-wielding, shield-spinning, thunder-casting, sarcasm-spewing, Hulk-Smashing men. So who the fuck am I to judge?

  10. Oi, that’s bad-ass!!! A guy asked me to slap him once and I slapped him three times… then again we were in public with friends. Not the same thing, I guess. Anyway, you rock! Keep fighting the fight. 😀

  11. Great story! (o:
    I to spar too and I’m proud to say that while playing in the bedroom I knocked him out once. He’s was beeing anoying and I elbowed him in the nose (not on purpose.. really!!)… out cold! Whoops!
    Happely to say, the marriage servived!
    About the books.. I know right! So bad, I didn’t even finish the first one!

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