The Shining at Victoria’s Secret

victoria's secret, VS credit card, VS VIP

You don’t get a black VS credit card without having a problem.

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve a *ahem* problem with Victoria’s Secret, to the point where I can’t even part with their bags.  Luckily, I don’t like shopping and despise having to deal with large, roaming packs of humans, so I’m very unlikely to go into a mall where they are located.  Unfortunately there are times that I cannot avoid the wretched mall.  Like when I have to get false eyelash glue.

As soon as I walked into the mall, I felt a strange, almost other-wordly force pulling me into the Victoria’s Secret, and though it was in the opposite direction of my original destination, I found myself walking through their doors, dragging my confused mother behind me.  A saleswoman immediately appeared and handed me a shopping bag.

“Hello, Kat.” She smiled.

The fact that she knew my name should have been the tipoff that I was in very big fucking trouble, but I was too mesmerized by all of the lacy, pretty things surrounding me.

“Yes.  Yes, I’ve been away, but now I’m back,” I mumbled.

“It’s good to see you, Kat.  What will it be today?”

“Hair of the bra that bit me.”

“Demi with no padding. Of course.” Her eyes glowed as she gestured to a display in the center of the store.

“That’ll do ‘er,” I said shoving a woman with a baby carriage aside and vaulting over the makeup counter.

One way that I’ve been able to control my Victoria Secret spending is because I only really fancy the one style of bra, and they were running out of colours that I didn’t own for which I’m mildly ashamed but not really.

As I perused the drawer with my size, I saw one bra that was black under white lace that I loved, but given that I already had a white one under black lace at home, I was able to put it down.  I was about to make it out of Vicky’s without getting another bra! And then the saleswoman appeared in front of me.

“What about that one over there?” she asked pointing to the other side of the store.

I glanced over to the corner and amidst some PJs was an ice blue bra under silvery-white lace.

This was a problem.  I did not have an ice blue bra.  I have antique blue, but that’s a completely different similar blue, and besides mine is antique blue under antique blue lace, not under silvery-white lace! I could only pray that they wouldn’t have it in my weird size.

The saleswoman reached into the rack and pulled out the correct size, and then handed me the piece of Kat-Kryptonite.

“How did you know what size I wear?” I asked her.

“I should know, Kat, I’ve always been here.  Just as you have always been the caretaker…of these bras,” she replied.

I looked to my mother for help, but the saleswoman was obviously working her evil mind meddling on her because she just nodded her head with a glazed look in her hazel eyes.

“I think we have the bottoms, too.  Do you want to see them?” the saleswoman continued.

“No!” I screamed out loud. ‘Yes!’ I screamed in my head.

“Oh,” the saleswoman said sadly, “we only have one pair, and it’s too big for you.”

The bottoms were not too big for me, in fact they were my size, but using her telepathic power, the saleswoman knew that I feel that my ass is too big and that this last bit of flattery would be the thing to send me over to the edge.


Once again VS turned me into Gollum.

“Give them to me!” I demanded. “Give me the Precious!”

“We also have the matching gar-” she started.

I stuck my fingers in my ears and began humming The Macarena, but then I heard the woman’s voice finish in my head, ‘-ter, you know.

“Red rum!” my mother suddenly yelled.

“You are so right, Mumma!  We need to get out of here right now!  I mean, like, right after I pay for the Precious!” I turned to the saleswoman. “So how’s my credit in this joint, anyway?”

“Your credit is fine, Kat,” the woman said smiling.

“That’s swell.  I always liked you,” I told the woman as she took me to a register and checked me out.

“Come and see us again soon, Kat,” she told me as my mother and I began our escape. “Come and see us and stay forever…and ever…and ever.”

“I am never going in that store again!” I declared once Mumma and I were safely in the car.

But I know that I will.

The semi-annual sale is only a few months away.

**Today’s zombie survival tip is to not go to the mall à la Romero’s Dawn of The Dead.  As you can see the place is already corrupt.

36 thoughts on “The Shining at Victoria’s Secret

  1. I dig a broad in Ice Blue lingerie! Great post. Hilarious, sexy, well written and engaging as always! Keep up the great work! I can’t wait for your book!

  2. the draw of sexy lingerie is more strong for women than men I truly believe. I stopped going into the store, because they send all the shiny things and coupons right to my email/smartphone/inner slut and with a push of a button, my precious is on it’s way… *waits anxiously for the UPS guy*

    • I’m actually okay with resisting the website. My brain luckily has difficulty reconciling that the pictures are actual things that I can wear. (Though I think I might have checked the website for my current Precious if they didn’t have my size at the store that day. Such is their evil…)

  3. Hey, I’ve been a long-time reader but this is my first time commenting. I love the secret, too, except I have a “problem” with their undies – so comfy, so cute, so sexy…whatever style or fabric you need, all laid out in several different colors and cuts and you only pick the ones you want, not the ugly crap that comes in the bargain bags they sell at the Walmart. *Ugh. Walmart.

    • Becky! Thank you so much for reading and for commenting! I’m so glad that you decided to join the convo! =) I agree that part of Vicky’s evil is her genius in presentation. How can you resist when they lay everything out all pretty-like?

  4. Sigh. I have been told OVER AND OVER AND OVER that it is just as important to spend money on quality foundation garments as other items. When i was dating, I always matched. But now, I am sitting here in yellow JC Penney’s mom panties and a grey lane bryant push up.

    Hanging head. . .

    • While I do love to match (and I’m not even dating, just mental like that), I freely admit to having “grannie panties” days. Though even my grannies come from VS.

      (God, I need help.)

  5. I wish I could get as excited about buying my underwear but I just can’t generate any sort of thrill when purchasing a four-pack of plain black boxers. Maybe I should start wearing women’s uncdercrackers, it could open a whole new world to me.

  6. I never got into VS undergarments, but I get their cards in the mail. That’s the only time you will find me in there. When I can get something for free. Otherwise, Target will do. Yup, I am all class.

    • You are SMART! I get those cards in the mail and I know what their evil plot is so I have to stay away from the freebies. Which is kinda fucking stupid of me since it’s the least they could do with how much money I’ve spent there over the years.

  7. I have to say that I want to get thin again because the prettiest bras don’t come in ample side fat without an underwire size.

    Its like only platex 1950 bullet bras exist for side fat. JEBUS!

    • Are you sure that they don’t carry your size, Darlin’? I’m a weird size (I’ve small bones and a huge rack) and they have mine. If not then I know that Fredrick’s of Hollywood has sexiness in all sizes. Check it out and sex it up, girl!

  8. You cracked me up with that Lord of the Rings reference. Lol! I wish The Mrs was addicted to VS, but it’s never been her thing. Sounds like you do need professional help though. 🙂

    • Gollum had his jewelry, and I have my lingerie. 😉 In a way you’re lucky that the Mrs isn’t addicted because that shit’s expensive! Thanks so much for visiting, Q! =)

  9. I was at the mall yesterday and successfully avoided the lingerie vortex of goodness. Now I have this throbbing ache to go back…

  10. I came here via a link from someone elses blog but right now I can’t remember who trust me to forget so I can’t tell you who to blame for having me here………..but I can tell you that as a short fat middle aged woman I do not think Victoria’s Secret would have anything that would look good on me but since we do not have a Victoria’s Secret store anywhere near me I really have no idea……….lol

  11. I promise you I fantasized about honeymoon attire far more than I did about my actual wedding. I love Victoria’s Secret. Love. Really.

  12. I’ve been offline for a week and I have SO much good reading to do. (Up to date with KatO’Nine, check). This Sales Woman deserves a big payrise, kudos to her that’s some pretty darned tactical sales going on there my friend. And now I must go see what you did with those false eyelashes over at Indie Chicks ….

  13. You should get a part time job at Vickie’s Secrets. Just 1 hour per week then enjoy all the employee discounts you totally deserve! I have a thing for hardware stores. Not Home Depot, but the small dark hardware stores owned by somebody’s mom and pop. They have everything, and most times have stuff I didn’t know I needed and couldn’t live without! But I can understand the passion…

  14. We don’t have Victoria’s Secret here but I think I might be in trouble if we did.
    Oh I love the pretty lacy things we hide under our boring work clothes.
    I really must go shopping again soon…

  15. Haha. I used to have every color and only matching sets until I got pregnant. Their materinity line is lacking as in nonexistent. But in reality I’m like this with shoes. I catch myself petting beautiful shoes at Nordstroms.

  16. I wish I understood bras. I wish there was a class I could take. I wish someone would look at my poor neglected bosom and say, Nicki, you need this size, this style, and this for tank tops, and this for dresses, and this for wearing without clothes. I know there are bra experts out there, but I feel ashamed of my unwomanly state. I would not like someone measuring me. I do not like people touching my HAND, let alone my rack. I do not understand Victoria’s Secret. The drawers frighten me. I feel like I’m in someone’s home. Everything says PINK. The models stare at me. They judge me. The salespeople stare at me. They judge me. They ask me if I need help with anything. I leap back and I yelp. I say “um. no. no thank you.” before I run out of the store. I know Vic’s Secret is supposed to make women feel beautiful, sexy, desirable, confident. It makes me feel the opposite. So again: I wish I understood bras. I feel I would be able to speak the Victoria’s Secret language then.

    Ahem. Well. Tune in next week when Nicki confesses her fear of jell-o and the letter Q.

  17. Being nearly 40 and having my body ruined ahem modified by 3 kids I am too embarrassed to remove my clothing much less buy cute underthings. But I guess I must have taken off my clothes enough cuz I’ve got the kids! Funny as always Kat!

  18. Kat!! You crack me up hahaha! Sometimes I am very happy that Holland doesn’t have a Victoria’s Secret yet. Well, we do have one on Schiphol Airport, but that one is SO tiny that I walked passed it twice! And when I finally wandered in, the collection wasn’t disappointing and they were more aimed at the bath lotions etc. But I browsed their online store many times…I still do. I only hesitate to order as the last two times I did…I got lovely taxes at my doorstep -_-”. I only like to shop for art material and books. Clothing I dislike as I never find something when I do need to get clothes. I always find something when I’m not shopping for clothes or when I don’t have the money to spend hehe. I am kinda scared to see how I will react when I see one for real in the States…


  19. My Victoria’s Secret tastes are a bit more low-end. I usually go for the 5 for $25 cotton panties. I’ve gotten my mom into them, too. But I do love their full coverage bras because my girls are not tiny.

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