Probably (One of) The Wrongest Stories I Will Ever Tell You

I have so much bizarre shit happen, and so many inane conversations that I rarely have to delve into my checkered past if I’m looking to tell a story to curdle your mind.  Occasionally though, a story of What-the-fuckery Past will push through the repression therapy and I’ll be reminded of a real gem with which I must traumatize regale you.  And you all can thank Dan from Shameless Promotions for pulling this tale from the depths of repression with his last post.  Make sure to go over there and thank him for the forthcoming mental assault.

The tale begins many years ago in the gay capital of northern England while walking home one Winter night from the pub with a friend.  Thanks to several hours of drinking, I was in desperate need of a loo, but Eion was dawdling around and taking his time as we walked.

“Will you please hurry up!  I!  Have!  To!  Pee!” I stomped my boot on the icy ground with each word for emphasis.

“Ha!  I do, too!” he replied with drunk giddiness.

“Too bad you can’t do this!” he add, and then he pulled himself out of pants and peed in the snow.

“I’m green with envy,” I said sarcastically, though I had to pee so bad that I actually was.

“HeyKatlook!”

peeing in the snow, writing name in the snow‘HeyKatlook’ was always said as one word, and it usually meant that I was going to see something that would scar my brain, but I looked anyway.  A yellow E-I-O-N had appeared in the snow.

“That’s great Ei, you can spell your own name.  And in urine no less.  Any six year old would be proud.  Though your penmanship is horrible.”

“I’d like to see you do better,” he zipped himself back up.

“If I had a whackado I could.”

“Bullocks!”

“Fine!  Let me use yours the next time you have to pee and I bet I will!” I snarled because I say the stupidest things when I’m challenged and angry.

Flash forward a few years later to me telling this story to one of the weirdest (and coming from me that’s saying a fucking lot) friends I ever knew.

Dawn’s eyes were as large as saucers as I finished the story.
“And that’s why you should always use the restroom before you leave a bar,” I took a swig of my Yuengling.

“So what was it like?” she asked.

“What was what like?”

“Holding a man’s penis while he peed?”

I nearly choked on my beer.

batman spit take, spit take“Are you completely mental?,” I wheezed between fits of coughing, “I didn’t fucking do that!”

“Why not?”

“Why not?  You are seriously asking me that?”

“Just think about how cool that would be.”

I did think about and I didn’t think it would be cool at all.  I did however erupt into hysterical laughter.  For some reason this really pissed off (pun intended) Dawn and she hissed at me to keep it down because people were looking at me.

“You’re the one who told me to think about holding a guy’s peen while he pees!” I snickered.

“Well you brought it up in the first place,” she huffed at me.

And unfortunately I had.  But in my defense I blurt out a lot of random things so you would think Dawn would know better than to listen.

Dawn found a boyfriend a few months later.  As a result she didn’t have much time to hang out with girlfriends, and when she did, she brought her weirdo boyfriend with her.  This was the case on one of the last time we ever got together before her strange habits (she liked to talk about different ways she could pretend to drown in her pool and would practice them frequently) got to me.

“Guess what I did!” she greeted me as they arrived at the local watering hole.

I could tell by the look on her face that I did not want to guess what she did.

“I held Steve’s dick while he peed!”

(Did you ever have one of those moments where you felt something trickling out of your ear, and then when you touched it you discovered it was your brain?  Yeah…)

mind shattered, brain melt

It kinda feels like this.

“It was so much fun!” she gushed on.

“I liked it because I didn’t have to wash my hands,” Steve smiled his freaky smile.

I knew then that I was suffering from irreparable mental damage because I’m usually pretty sharp with the comebacks, and with all of the potential hand jokes there were, I could not think of a damn thing to say.

“I told Steve that it was your idea,” Dawn informed me.

That broke my silence.

“The hell it was!” I roared, “I never told you to hold your boyfriend’s penis while he peed!”

“Shhh!” Dawn glared at me, “I was trying to thank you!”

“Well don’t!  Take that credit for yourself!”

The topper of the evening though?  Steve had to use the men’s room a couple of times while we were out and Dawn went with him to “help”. Every. Single. Time.

youre welcome, you are welcome

48 thoughts on “Probably (One of) The Wrongest Stories I Will Ever Tell You

  1. What the fuck, Kat!? I thought we were friends and here you go leaving me with pissing PTSD! Messed up, my friend, messed up!!!

    Not because I think it’s too kinky or strange…I mean I haven’t done it and have no urge but to each their own…but because of her excitement and willingness to share the info! Keep that shit to yourself, nut job!!

  2. For a minute I thought you were going to say that YOU tried to write your name in the snow! Is that even possible for a woman? Nevermind…I don’t want to know!

    That boyfriend of Dawn’s is a brave one! To trust a woman’s aim with a tool she has no clue how to use take some serious balls! And there is the risk of her zipping up his package. It is a strategic process of pissing and putting it away without any mess or injury!

    Yes there are some instances in which a woman should not handle a man’s…apparatus! Pissing would be one of them!

    Thanks for humoring us with such a post! Thanks for the shout-out as well! Glad I could inspire such a wrong post!

  3. You’re not weird (ok a little) but your friend is for sharing her holding of penises that are peeing and then executing said peeing penis holding while out with people like they don’t know what kind of help she was giving in the toilet. I hope you didn’t share any finger foods with her.

  4. O.M.F.G. That is wrong. She needs to dive into her wrongness and be WRONG. I can barely pee in a public restroom with billion other women after a movie let out and my bladder is about to fucking explode. I don’t want to be “assisting” a man with his business. Now I need to go read or watch something NOT disgusting so I hopefully don’t have some kind of fucked up nightmare over this! LMAO

    • I completely sympathize with the nightmares because I had many in the months following this experience, and the therapy is expensive as hell!

      (I, too, kinda hate public restrooms, darlin’. =( )

  5. Ok, *maybe* she shouldn’t have shared it with you…but you then shared it with us! And I don’t think she is the first woman in the world to have done this; nor will she be the last. Remember Freud coined the term “penis envy”-not for nothing-a long time ago.
    Seriously Kat, this is why people read your blog…all this weird shit that you come up with! We all love it and love to scream that *WE* would never do that, but do you notice that it doesn’t stop people from seeing what outrageous shit you will come up with next. And take it from this 65 yr old grams; there ain’t anything new in the world-it just all recycles around every few years! Keep on making us scream!

    • I just wouldn’t have felt right if I had remembered this experience and neglected to share it with my beloves. =D Thank you so much for coming by and allowing me to make you sceam, KL.~♥

  6. Hilarious! I’m laughing my ass off! I say it that way because I don’t believe in LMAO. Excellent. This is one of my favorites of yours! Keep up the great work! These scenes would be hilarious on film. Excellent dialogue, and characterization. You have a gift!

  7. I was really hoping you were going to say you wrote *your* name in the snow. Instead I’m given a story about….pee assistance. At the risk of TMI, I had a boyfriend who always asked to remove “cotton ponies” for me. The first time I just stared at him. I’m pretty sure he was speaking alien. Some things should always be done solo!

    • Okay, your BF wins the award for Most Wrong! D= You poor thing!! (I had to look up “cotton ponies”. Not sure if I sure be ashamed or proud of that.)

  8. How…odd. Had she been single a great deal before this? I love my husband’s junk but there is no way I’m holding it while he pisses. He’s lazy enough! No. Just no.

  9. okay. whatever. private lives and all that shit. but SHE WENT WITH HIM TO HELP EVERY TIME? Man, that kind of shit should be closeted for a REASON. Do that shit on your own time and NOT OUT IN PUBLIC.

    weirdweirdweirdweirdweirdweirdWEIRD.

  10. I have to admit to having held my husbands penis ONCE while he peed. It was not a good experience for either of us. He suddenly developed bashful urination syndrome and was unable to go. While I drunkenly waited for his stream to start I began to wave his member around screaming, “This fireman needs water to the hose!”, at which point he finally peed…everywhere I was waving it. The seat, the wall, the tank, the floor. This was probably the beginning of our road to divorce.

    My warning is, when offered this opportunity, just say no.

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