Got all that? We're good? Off we go then.~
Oh! Hello there, friends.
[author's note: remember I'm looking up in surprise because...actually, I don't honestly know why the fuck they did that on Masterpiece Theatre, but I'm rolling with it.]
Yes, hello there, friends, and welcome to another stunning edition of "Tapetum Lucidum". I'm here today to tell you how to blog, gain followers and how to generally just kick the ass out of the blogosphere. I am the perfect person to tell you how this too, because I've won not one, but two blogging awards. I'm both stylish and versatile. What more could you ask for? Intelligence? Pfft. That's for douches.
Okay, so kicking the ass of the blogosphere begins with creating a blog. Why would you want to do this? Because you probably have a job of some sort and having a blog is one of the best ways to avoid getting any actual work done.
|This doesn't look obscene or anything.|
As for the specifics of your entries? Try to start off with whatever random shit popped into your head as your computer booted up. Or tell your readers what your Rice Krispies said to you this morning. When you come up with an idea, say it out loud. If it sounds mental, then you've got a winner and are ready to begin writing. Just be sure that, no matter what subject you choose to start your entry, that you don't stick with this idea until the end, or you might accidentally come up with a coherent post. This needs to be avoided at all costs. If you do find yourself making an organized, cohesive entry, just take a step back and type the word "dildo". Just throw it right there in the middle of a paragraph. That should get your ADD brain working in another direction and your entry will be saved.
Speaking of dildos, pay attention to your vocabulary. Be sure to use a lot of words that would make your grandmother slap the taste right outta your mouth if she read your blog. I aim for at least a dozen swears in each of my entries, with about half of them being variants of the f-bomb. You basically want to make your blog entry as inappropriate as possible so that your readers are so shocked by your language and content, that they don't realize just how mental you really are.
Another way to achieve the desired level of inappropriate content for your blog is to write smut and pimp the shit out of it in your entries. Nothing makes you feel like more of a pimp than encouraging
In summary so far, if you want people to read your blog then you must: 1) write about nothing, 2) write a lot about nothing, 3) write about nothing while cursing, 4) write about sex.
Super duper, cherry merry muffin.~
Another way to trick people into reaching your blog is to use bizarre pictures in your entries.
That picture up there is from my Inferno entry and it gets hits all the time.
I've no idea why.
Incidentally, if you are landing here as a search result for that picture, can you please leave a comment telling me what the fuck you are searching for and why, because it's driving me mental for some reason.
If all else fails, then resort to threats to get readers. Now, you may not know many people in "real" world, or more accurately, you may not know many people who will admit to knowing you, but the point is that they are people that you can physically touch. This is important because cyber-threats can only go so far. You want to threaten people who wouldn't put it past you to egg their house if they don't follow your blog. For example, bobo from "Ahoy Hoy!"? You may notice that he comments on here a lot. That's 'cause I know where he lives. (heh heh heh)
Finally, if you do manage to
So there you have it, my lovelies. Follow all of these steps and you too can be a blogging rockstar.~