Even before I was (officially) made your Overlord(ess), I'd shared instructions on how to keep a relationship, start a blog and to avoid writing horrible smut. Since I'm (officially) your Overlord(ess), I take my job very seriously and feel it's my duty to
In honour of Memorial Day weekend (Like freedom? Thank a Veteran.), a time when people are outside, in the pool, grilling and whatnot, I'm going to talk to you all about skin cancer, and how to avoid it.
There are three levels of skin cancer: basal, squamous and malignant melanoma. Malignant melanoma is the one that you really need to worry about, but the other two aren't pleasant either since they cause tissue destruction which if left untreated can sometimes lead to nerve damage. My great-grandmother had squamous cell skin cancer a number of years ago, but it was when my grandmother and then my mom had to have basal cell cancer removed from their skin that I figured I had better stay the hell out of the sun. My health wasn't worth having a tan.
|I confessed my paleness a while ago--remember this?|
The first time that I applied sunless tanner I used a cheaper brand product. I'm a huge bargain shopper, but apparently sunless tanner is one of the few things were you get what you pay for. The result of the cheap-o sunless tanner was a condition that I have come to call "Orange Soul Glow Syndrome". You might have seen it elsewhere, in fact I hear that it's epidemic in Miami. I myself do not fancy looking like a low-class whore, so that bottle of Instant Skank went right into the trash.
Lesson one: Don't buy the cheap stuff.
Then there was the "OMG-Is-That-Contagious Affair".
The problem with a lot of tanners is that they absorb clear so you can't see where you have applied them to your skin and it's very easy to miss a spot. This is especially true when you are applying this shit yourself and have to contort yourself like a Cirque du Solei performer to reach the various places of your body. One time, I must have been really tired or just sloppy but I missed so many places on my body that it looked like I had Mange, or Vitaligo at best. I have since learned though that there are tanners with a bronzer in them so that you can see where you've applied the tanner.
Lesson two: Use a tanner with a bronzer.
Many tanners claim to be "fast drying", "non greasy" or "quickly absorbed".
|I was ridiculously pumped to find this picture, by the way.|
Lesson three: Get a divorce so you can control your own bloody thermostat.
|This...is just so wrong.|
Lesson four: Get a divorce already so you can control your own bloody thermostat!
There is also the option of avoiding all of these mishaps and having yourself professionally fake-baked. However even if you go the route of professional sunless tans, you cannot avoid the requisite looking like a dumbass aspect of getting a sunless tan. Unless you can afford to have your tan applied by airbrush, you will have to get into a telephone booth-like contraption and do a ridiculous chicken dance consisting of flapping your arms and bending your legs up and down while sunless tanner is ejaculated from the walls.
Yes, sunless tanning is fun. Because who doesn't like walking around like a giant fucking carrot, or dancing while you get a body-length money shot in a phone booth?
Happy Memorial Day, everyone!